Adventures in Beautyland: July and August Empties

Including a new fave online beauty retailer

I heard a new (vulgar!) phrase recently, which I have adopted. It’s this: I haven’t even had time to fart. Wow. Wildly descriptive, more so if you typically maintain a rigorous fart schedule. My schedule, recently, has been relatively airtight like this, which is why I am just now getting to my summer empties, on August [checks calendar] September mumble-mumbleth. It’s still summer though!!

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I’m sorry to tell you guys I did NOT finish 44 different Bath and Body Works products this month, unlike this person on Reddit who is both my hero and also the first Bath and Body Works customer I’ve ever truly feared.

Here’s something strange. One of my goals for this summer was to wear more makeup, and wear more exciting makeup: bluer bluers, brighter oranges, offensively purplish shades of blush. In turn, I expected, I would use up more makeup products throughout the summer.

But instead, as you will see, I continued to use up mostly skincare/haircare/bath products! I guess it’s because I diversified my makeup usage so much—it’s hard to use up your pale green glitter eyeshadow when you ALSO have a bunch of OTHER glitter eyeshadows in the rotation. That said, I am finally about to “hit pan” on one of the shades in this Chanel eyeshadow quad, which I received as a gift in 2017. It was free to me, but boy howdy, am I getting my MSRP $68 worth.

Speaking of getting your money’s worth…here is everything I finished in July & August.

TWO Travel-size Jergens Natural Glows

How much does it cost? $3.50 per bottle

How much did I pay for it? $7 total! No discounts here

There’s a particular photo of me at my 11th-grade prom where I am reaching to take the prom king crown off my then-boyfriend’s head (nepotism brag!). In that photo, you can see my elbow, and my elbow is BRIGHT ORANGE. Jergens, baby.

I love a good fake tan, but I love a bad fake tan even more. Fake tans, no matter how “good,” don’t look real on me. Hell, REAL tans don’t look real on me! If I am any degree of not-pale, it is almost always obviously artificial, so I like to embrace that as best I can.

That said, if used sparingly, Jergens Natural Glow doesn’t HAVE to look fake. I find that, in the spring and summer, the Natural Glow Face formula makes a great daily facial moisturizer without turning me into an Oompa Loompa. Usually, when the weather gets warmer, I use Natural Glow on my face and neck, so when it’s time to switch to my ever-so-slightly-deeper summer foundation and concealer formulas, I’m already “tan” enough to use them. Also, weirdly, Natural Glow does a good job of hiding my acne/acne scars? I have never understood this. It definitely doesn’t SMELL good for your face; it smells like a $0.99 hand cream. It’s moisturizing, but it doesn’t have a sumptuous, rich texture, OR the vaguely astringent skin-tightening texture of anti-acne moisturizers. So I do not know why it makes my face look prettier!

I finished off two Jergens Natural Glows over the last two months, each of which were already “started” and had been briefly, um…dislocated (re: lost in my house). I rediscovered that, along with providing a good “face base” and working as a standalone tan-enhancing juice, Natural Glow also succeeds in extending your more elaborate “standard” fake tans (more on that soon!).

Would I buy it again?