Hi! Happy Last Friday Before Christmas! Happy Last Friday of Work For Me, Hattie. I am VERY excited to have a winter break this year, after a couple years of working across the holidays (including being on the breaking news desk when Betty White died on New Year’s Eve 2021). Keep your inboxes, though, for some pre-planned end-of-year content from me.
I’m excited to tell you all that I have Pavlov’d Dottie. At home, she has a timed auto-feeder with a built-in voice recorder function. When the feeder dispenses Dottie’s breakfast and supper portions, it plays a little clip of me singing, “She’s the best meow in the world/She’s my little Dottie, she’s the meow-meow girl!”
In Missouri, when I can’t find Dottie (usually she is sleeping under my bed!) I just sing the Dottie theme song and she comes running. Of course, I give her a little snacky treatlet and a lot of pets, to reinforce this behavior. Because I am in a home with my whole family’s pets, Romeo, Reggie and McFly all have their own theme songs now, too. It will take a while before they recognize their music and respond appropriately.
She Has a NAME, Dammit
I was somewhere earlier this year, at a party I think – and NOT a Christmas-related party – when I, um, engaged in a brief verbal altercation. It was one-sided! By which I mean, it was less a “verbal altercation” and more “I raised my voice a little.” I wasn’t even drunk or anything. But the thing is, I got really mad, because someone said that Mrs. Claus (Santa’s wife) doesn’t have a first name.
IT’S JESSICA, IDIOT!
Sorry. I’m not being fair. Maybe whoever I yelled at had not seen the 1970 Rankin/Bass special Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, which explains Jessica’s origin in some detail:
If you haven’t seen the special, you may recognize this stop-motion “Animagic” from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Or! Perhaps you have seen my personal favorite Rankin/Bass project, Here Comes Peter Cottontail. If you’ve got an hour, go watch that one right now. Ostensibly an Easter special, it is basically Billy Madison but magic. Instead of going back to school, Peter Cottontail (Casey Kasem?!) has to go back in time and deliver Easter eggs on a bunch of non-Easter holidays. Santa is there. So is Martha Washington. It is my favorite holiday movie, for somewhat narcissistic reasons. One of the characters is a sentient hat, which is also what I am.
Back to Jessica.
After baby Claus is abandoned by Burgrmeister Meisterburger, the mayor of Sombertown, he is raised by a bunch of elves who name him Kris Kringle. Kris grows up and falls in love with A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN NAMED JESSICA. She is a teacher, which totally fits; as a couple, "Kris and Jessica" sound like the elementary school teachers who are secretly dating, and all the little kids flip out with excitement when they finally get engaged. Okay, so, Kris Kringle finds love, becomes Santa, Mayor Meisterburger enacts a Footloose for toys, blah blah blah, magic corn, and then Christmas is saved! Yay! Everybody gets a Norelco razor. The end!
A recent addition to the Christmas canon, for me, is the Claymation Christmas special from 1987. This is my friend John’s all-time fave, but I only watched it for the first time this year. Come for the California Raisins, stay for…the California Raisins. That is the only spoiler I am willing to provide.
WIDNBTW
As per usual, I spent a lot of time this week window shopping and Windows shopping. And did I buy things? Yes! But did I also not buy things? Oh hell yeah, because it is almost CHRISTMAS and I was GOOD so maybe I will get stuff from SANTA!
What I did not buy this week:
TWO different sets of onesie pajamas for adults. One was super soft, with a butt flap, but unfortunately Christmas-themed (so I couldn’t wear it after this week!); the other was not my size and was sadly flapless (and therefore impractical). Hopefully, the fact that I saw two similar pajamas for under $20 in-stores means they’re trendy now, and will soon be untrendy, and then I can buy them cheap.
Enormous Psyduck plush, which, according to my Pokedex, is only slightly smaller than the actual size a life-size Psyduck would be if Pokemon were real. The gigantic Pokemon plushes at Target are perfectly textured and squishy.
The line of Bath & Body Works lotion knockoffs at Walmart. Light Up the Sky smells EXACTLY like Into the Night, sans glitter, and at a fraction of the price.
A shirt from Totally Good Time – I’ve written about this brand before; it is, sadly, closing down, so now is your last chance. Everything I wanted is already out of stock in my size, but if you love Clueless, Cruel Intentions or the Princess Diaries, you may have better luck!
Romeo and Juliet Polly Pocket earrings (I KNOW!!!!!) from Honey Hearted. These are so intricate and wondrous.
Extremely cool textile art by David Maximé. He currently has a show at the Trunk Space, a much-beloved venue in my former town of Phoenix, Arizona. His “hat couture” collection includes many masterpieces, including my current favorite, a reproduction of Christina’s World:
And with that: I am on Christmas break.
Ho ho ho, happy holidays, and a jolly, jingly, fun, funky, mellow and memorable new year to everyone. Thanks for reading. I’ll have another Friday Dispatch for you NEXT YEAR! and, in the meantime, I hope you get to enjoy time with the people who love you most.
Love to you all.