The Friday Dispatch: March 17, 2023
Pretend this whole newsletter is green (I can't figure out how to change font color in Substack)
*** WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS NEWSLETTER IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING GREEN! IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO HEED MY WARNING, PLEASE PINCH YOURSELF BEFORE PROCEEDING!!! ***
Hi, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I am wearing green today, AND I painted my nails green. Good luck pinching me in the shower, suckers!!! I am gonna drink Shamrock Shakes until I look like this big green Grimace!
Some Programming Notes
As I’ve mentioned here, April is National Poetry Writing Month, and I am going to be obnoxious about it. After doing some polling and talking to my most active subscribers, I’ve come up with a schedule of programming for NaPoWriMo.
During the month of April, free subscribers can expect my Monday Poetry Posts to become centered around the tactics I’m using to write a new poem every day. Paid subscribers can expect the Thursday Poetry Posts to be a breakdown/examination of my own poems, taking a close look at my favorite first drafts and revisions from the month of April. And paid subscribers will also get a bonus post on Wednesdays, which will just be a “draft dump” of all the poems I’m writing. Tuesday & Friday posts will continue as normal.
That’s a lot! So to keep from burning out, I’m doing a sort of “spring break” week from March 27 - 31. Don’t worry - you’ll still get emails. Expect shorter posts that week, and a departure from my normal content as I prep for the most wonderful time of the year.
This Week, In Day Job
I’ve been on the night shift all week which has made my brain a little… [horn honking] [train braking sound] [guy going ‘awooga!’] [emergency alarm klaxon]. But! I’m happy, because mornings are mostly stupid. It’s been nice to have a little time in the day for myself. Once, I even walked to a COFFEE SHOP in the MORNING! Yes, I just sat there and worked, but I left my house before 2PM and went to a coffee place that wasn’t Dunkin. This is a win. I also dedicated a lot of time to freelance projects this week, which I’m excited about. I’ve noticed that since I started the newsletter, I write a lot faster. Between Day Job and this Substack, I write a minimum of 125,000 words every week, and I guess that makes me a little less precious (or self-conscious) about my writing.
Facebook/Instagram followers may’ve already seen this, but for my day job, I tried a truly despicable workout that used the latex dress from Skims as exercise equipment. It was slimy and painful. My friend Rebecca said I’ve pioneered “the opposite of a kink.” You can read the article/watch the video and see if you develop a reverse fetish. But I think you could also get the gist from this photo sequence:
Reader Recommendations
Not recommendations from readers. They’re recommendations for you, my reader.
In this blessed Peepsi season, I tried another weird soda! Coca-Cola’s “Move” soda is created in partnership (????) with the singer Rosalia (??!!). According to the website, “Coca-Cola® Move is a tribute to the different faces of transformation, mixing a great, but familiar Coca-Cola® taste with both bold and delicate flavors.” A lady I like on Instagram said it tastes like a pina colada. I tried Move Zero and it tastes like…diet Coke that is in a glass previously used for Fanta.
I went to Arizona State University, and I am proud to say my school is #1 in innovation. Case in point: I created a beverage that is much more groundbreaking than anything the Coca-Cola company could produce. Go Sun Devils!
I buy and consume two things in massive, probably-dangerous quantities. They’re Dynasty Thai Peanut Satay Sauce and S&B Chili Oil with Crunchy Garlic. Shoutout to Hmart for always having both of these super cheap!
Usually, I add these sauces to my gruels. This week, I mixed two huge spoonfuls of S&B chili crisp into my hummus, then devoured it with baby carrots. Provided you are not allergic to any of these ingredients, please do this immediately.I am carrying around the pocket-sized Suite for Barbara Loden and reading it whenever I have downtime this week (it’s only 80-something pages and I haven’t finished, which indicates I have been busy!). It’s compelling and weirdly relatable. Nathalie Leger was tasked with writing a single encyclopedia entry about Barbara Loden; she failed the task and, instead, wrote a whole book about imagination, film, authorship, and the self. Yeah, babe, I’ve been there!
I also rewatched Lady Bird this week. Good and beautiful and joyful and crushing. I only cried like, six times!
What I Didn’t Buy This Week
Hello, I’m here to complain about a petty frippery! Usually, I dedicate this space to frivolous things I didn’t purchase or practical things I didn’t want to spend money on. Since I was working nights all week, I was able to get some daytime errands done on Wednesday. I very carefully orchestrated my errand schedule/the specific stores I went to so I could go to the two Build-a-Bear Workshop locations in Manhattan. It is March, which means it is the birthday month of beloved Sanrio character Cinnamoroll; last month Build-a-Bear announced the Cinnamoroll plush as an online exclusive that would make its way to stores on a rolling basis. I am a fool because I did not immediately go to my nearest BaBW and buy a dang Cinnamoroll the moment I knew they were available. I dillied. I dallied. And I missed my chance. They’re sold out! I’m lucky because when I complained about this in the group chat, multiple friends called their nearest Build-a-Bear locations to see if they could find one for me. I am truly blessed, because a) I have such loving friends and b) they are all willing to enable me whenever the Sanrio company is involved.
Now, here is the real bee in my bonnet. If you think I’m ridiculous, strap in!
The whole reason I wanted the BaBW Cinnamoroll is the size/price. It’s $32, which may seem asinine. But, lemme tell you, compared to other Sanrio offerings, that is a great price per square inch of plushie! Sanrio’s similarly-sized plush is a whopping $67! Why!!! I am trying to be as responsible as a fiscally-reckless person can be.
Anyway, other people on Twitter are also mad about missing Cinnamoroll, so I expect the Build-a-Bear email newsletter (which I have subscribed to for years) will soon have an estimated restock date. And when it does, I will not dither. Soon, I will have Cinnamoroll. Someday, I will have Chococat. And then, no one can stop me.
Thanks for listening to my villain origin story :) Happy Friday!