Hello! Happy Friday. I am writing to you bundled up in a sweater and corduroy skirt and tights and furry boots because, somehow, overnight, it became the dead of winter and all is lost. If you are holding any sort of event between now and mid-April, I am not coming, because I went outside in under-50-degree weather for ten minutes on Wednesday, and I remembered I am a weak shell of a person.
Terminally Online
Speaking of being an empty shell: I finally deleted Twitter! If you’re looking for me on there and nothing comes up, don’t worry, I didn’t block you. I blocked everyone, ever. Longtime readers know I’ve been hemming and hawing over this for a while. I finally had the time / disc space to download all my vital info from the Hell Site this week, and kissed every tweet I ever twote goodbye. Not before I saved my magnum opus, though: a fancam video of Big Pussy from The Sopranos, set to Death By a Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift. Someday I will upload it to YouTube and become a viral sensation.
Acting Shelfish
Now that I am actually IN New York for a while, I’m getting around to the little tasks that have eluded me (read: that I have avoided) since moving into the new apartment. My boyfriend built a bookcase for the living room, we applied contact paper to the back, and last night I painted it orange with metallic overlay. Result!
Wow…women will really paint a whole shelf to avoid working on their novel!
Next Week: Adventures in Beautyland
Paid subscribers! Next week, you’ll get the first edition of a new column, “Adventures in Beautyland,” in which I will talk about various beauty/style topics. In this first column, I’m going to talk about chopping off my hair.
Free subscribers, I’m going to keep writing Adventures in Beautyland and Solicited Advice columns a few times a month. At the end of each month, I’ll unlock that month’s archive – so you can still read them, just not in real time. On that note, please see last month’s Solicited Advice column here.
What I Didn’t Buy This Week
I have been working in a very detail-oriented Day Job capacity off my laptop for the last 6 months, a fact which deeply offends my loved ones and coworkers. I ALMOST got a big external monitor several times — the near-misses are all boring stories — and then, this week, my beloved friends Cole and David, and my beloved benefactor David’s dad, gifted me with the gigantic awesome monitor of my dreams. My quality of life has improved so drastically in 48 hours that I feel a little silly — but mostly lucky. And Dottie loves the new monitor because it allows her more intimate access to her friend and lover, Bob Odenkirk:
I did not buy the Purito tinted moisturizer that I accidentally learned about through a Reddit post about someone’s weird chin sebum plugs. I hadn’t ever heard of Purito until someone recommended the brand’s moisturizer with a glowing review (their skin was glowing, I mean), and then while trying to find the plain-Jane version, I discovered the cosmetic one. I just finished off my tinted serum, and I’m a little too pale right now for my go-to super-high-coverage Phoera foundation. So maybe, when I resume Going Places and Doing Things, I’ll get this one.
I did not buy the Spanx tights I keep meaning to repurchase — every time I see an ad for the outlandishly-priced Sheertex pantyhose, I roll my eyes and reflect lovingly on my favorite Spanx tights, which are heavy-duty, warm, REVERSIBLE (opaque black or opaque brown!) and somehow still kicking despite the singular hole in the toe. I DID order some socks this week that are, reportedly, “the World’s Softest.” Will report back.
I didn’t buy this gigantic ring that is wildly expensive and, apparently, only available in Europe. That’s okay because the picture is still quite soothing to gaze upon:
Her hot older sister:
And here is one thing I did buy: my favorite facial serum is on sale at Amazon right now. It’s $14 (instead of $25), it works VERY well all year long, it smells like a dream and makes you look like an infant who jogs, and the name tickles me to no end: Nip + Fab Dragon’s Blood Fix Plumping Serum Extreme for Face with Hyaluronic Acid and Cactus Flower. Big recommendation from me.
Ok! That’s it for me. Stay safe and warm and take care of your loved ones for me, and take care of yourself while you’re at it.