Hello! Happy Friday! Two weeks ago I burned my hand while making squash and yet, in the time since, all I’ve wanted to eat is squash. Why do we love what hurts us. Here is my very elaborate, complicated baked squash recipe, which I advise only FOOD EXPERTS prepare:
as much cubed butternut squash as you can afford
a huge, huge blorp of olive oil, or – even better – whatever oily garlic dressing is in your fridge
garlic pepper
lemon juice and lime juice
salt
Mix all those ingredients up in a big bowl. Put your oven on 350 degrees. Spread out all the squash chunks flat on a baking sheet and bake for 90 minutes. The end.
I’m not actually sure if squash is good for you or not. It SEEMS like it’s a carb? I truly can’t tell if it’s more of a potato vegetable or a zucchini vegetable. I refuse to learn. Right now, I am eating approximately three pounds of delicious baked squash every week – with tofu, with bacon, in salad, in pesto pasta with spicy sausage – and I am not going to stop until I get bored.
In other food news, I am happy to have Ritter Sport back in my life. Whenever my boyfriend leaves the house on some errand, he asks if I need anything. I tell him, “If you see anything wonderful and tasty and delicious and good, please, bring it here, to me.” I am the snail in his ear.
The bodega near us apparently has lots of Ritter Sport flavors because that is what he’s been bringing me.1 We have enjoyed the tasty cornflake flavor, the “Olympia” which has honey and yogurt, and most recently a chocolate bar full of chocolate biscuit. Now, notably, my boyfriend speaks un petit German and I speak none. So, usually he picks a flavor based on the packaging, and then comes home and listens to me butcher the name. Apologies to anyone who hears me try to say “kakaokeks nuss.”
Wow! My Friends Are Cool
Do you want to know two cool, creative things that my friends have done recently? Really???? Wow! That’s quite the specific desire you have, dear reader. But great news! Two of my cool friends have done cool things and I want to tell you about them.
My friend Theo, who is the brilliant mind behind my business cards, contributed a handmade ornament to the InQueery’s holiday ornament fundraiser. If you like Meryl Streep, the Pulitzer-winning novel The Hours, the film The Hours (now an opera!), anything related or even semi-adjacent to Virginia Woolf, or Christmas ornaments that give you an opening for literary discussions, this is for you. Theo and their creative collaborator Rachel made a kick-ass FELT ornament, one of many being raffled off to support the Ali Forney center, which provides support to unhoused queer youth. And it won’t even break if it falls off your tree, because again, it’s F E L T.
Just look at this thing!
This one-of-a-kind ornament is being raffled off, along with several others from talented queer artists; you can enter to win Theo’s ornament here or see all 28 ornaments in the series at this link. Entries are $10. Act fast, because the auction ends December 5!
And hey, if you like felt…you’re gonna love this.
My friend Rosa knows a lot of things. Three things that she, in particular, knows more about than most people: the Muppets, Lady Gaga, and 2013’s TV special Lady Gaga and the Muppets Holiday Spectacular. In a new longform YouTube video, Rosa provides the highlights from this fever dream of a TV production, tries her hand at writing for Statler and Waldorf, and asks the hard-hitting questions about network TV. Such as: WHY WON’T THEY LET ELTON JOHN SPEAK TO THE MUPPETS IN THIS SPECIAL?!
I had to pause this multiple times because I was laughing too much to hear Rosa’s next joke. Like the holiday special itself, this is must-watch TV.
This Month, On Paid Posts
If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ve probably noticed me doin’ some weird new stuff on Substack this month! If you don’t currently have a paid subscription, here’s a recap:
I go long – and deep – on Spotify Wrapped.2 Specifically, MY Spotify Wrapped, from 2016 – 2023. If you want the nitty-gritty of my top 10, here’s where you’ll find it!
In my writing advice column, I answer the question, “Do you need to study writing at a college to be able to write what you want?”
And I take you on two different Adventures in Beautyland!
I write about chopping off all my hair earlier this year (LOTS of pictures of me in this one, so if you are a creep or weirdo, perhaps a freak of some sort, worth the subscription money!)
I write about maintaining long-ass nails (and there’s a video of my COLOR-CHANGING FALL LEAF NAILS)
The paid subscription provides you with a real grab-bag of fixations and curiosities. I truly appreciate any/all financial support that comes from my paid subscribers. And I swear that I spend the money well! I certainly won’t spend it on any of these things:
What I Did Not Buy This Week
This adorable Monster at the End of This Book bookmark made me laugh, because I can’t imagine using it without Grover-screaming “YOU TURNED THE PAGE!!!!!” every time I turned the page.
This necklace, in which all the pearls are being carried/placed by little ants; it is part of a collection I admire so much it moves me to tears:
This sparkly yellow porcelain kitty necklace
Frostmelt, a new-ish fragrance from Victoria’s Secret, which allegedly smells like Thin Mint cookies but is out-of-stock everywhere
ANYTHING from the Hello Kitty/Forever 21 collection, which is impressive since they’ve got a velour sweatsuit in there
A bunch of cheap fountain pens because my handwriting is horrible and I KNOW BETTER
Store-brand tinfoil. Last time we got aluminum foil, the store brand was on sale, so I, LIKE A DING-DONG, said “oh, that’ll be fine!” Several weeks/many pokey aluminum shards later, the poor mangled roll of foil finally ran out – or, rather, got to be a long stringy chunk of threatening metal – so I bought Reynold’s Wrap, and boy howdy could you repair the space station with this stuff!
Mike’s Hot Honey or other hot honey brands because Trader Joe’s has a $4.99 version!?!?!?!????
This Little Women sweatshirt from a brand called Favorite Child. When it goes on sale, or I find a coupon, I’ll likely buy it; it’s just too pricey in the meantime. Warning, Pride & Prejudice fans; there is a “the hand scene” collection…
Small plush glo-bugs
This sensual ashtray
And with that, another week draws to a close. Happy December, happy wintertime. Happy Friday, happy weekend. I will be writing some best-of/top-10 posts in the weeks ahead, so keep your eyeballs peeled. And as always, thank you for reading!
And I am pleased! Myles, your loyalty to the crown shall be rewarded! Yes, yesss.
The best part of Spotify Wrapped is when someone you THINK you know pretty well posts a band you have never, ever heard of before, a band that doesn’t seem like it could possibly exist, and you message them saying “What the hell? Did you make that up”