The Friday Dispatch: February 10, 2023
Does everyone else still retweet that Daniel Craig video every weekend?
Hi! It’s Friday. It’s Super Bowl Friday. I’m gonna eat six pounds of barbecue in preparation. Go KC. Also, City of Philadelphia, I like you, don’t send Gritty after me.
All My Mean Little Thoughts
You know, sometimes, I think about writing my mean and ungenerous opinions in this newsletter. I do not do it. But I think about it!!!
My friend Lynn occasionally cedes control of her social media to an entity called Mean Lynn, who then says mean things to those who request it. And my friend Arlo hosted “vaguebooking days” on Facebook, where everyone could post their mean snarky opinions about others in the comments section of a designated post, provided they did not provide names or other identifying info.
Every now and again, I think I should do a special edition of this newsletter where I post MEAN, hateful, eeeeeviiiiiilllll gossip and my mean, MEAN thoughts!!! And then I think that would make the person in question sad, if we someday struck up a tentative friendship, and they then discovered I held a mean thought about them.
To be clear, my “mean thought” of the moment is actually just a disgruntled opinion about a writer I think is boring. And, critically speaking, it’s got a very sound thesis. But I will not give it up so easily.
Welcome to My Home Part Two
While I am stupid cleaning, I am rewatching Schitt’s Creek. Forget Succession and White Lotus, this is the only “rich people suffering” show I ever want to watch. Since I’ve been listening to it as I mop, instead of sitting down to watch intently, I realized who Moira Rose sounds like.
This is a video my friend Theo showed me years ago and that I quote constantly. If you’ve ever heard me say “They make you puffy” or “I’m 100 percent 50-50,” I am impersonating this video1, just like my conspiracy brain says Catherine O’Hara is:
Consumption Junction
My momma and I finished the iCarly reboot and now I am an adult woman who is searching “iCarly new season when special guest Josh Peck” every few hours.
Inspired by a good tweet and subsequent conversation with my friend Rebecca, I have just started Anne With an E. Funny tidbit: weeks ago, my little brother demanded I explain what Anne of Green Gables was about. “You’re a weird horse person. I know you know,” he said accusatorily. And he was right.
I caught up on a bunch of article-reading this week. I also discovered a new diversion! Digg has an aggregated newsletter called Good Question, which is an advice column roundup. I recently applied to write an advice column and never heard back, which is too bad, because I am obsessed with them and would probably give great advice (or, give bad advice very well).
My one singular bad habit is doing a lot of my grocery shopping through GoPuff. I eat like a stoned parakeet in their freshman year of college. I go into GoPuff and I order 46 different $1.72 snacks and they last me a whole month. EXCEPT: this Australian candy bar – Australia’s FIRST candy bar???? – Violet Crumble. It is fake honeycomb (honey-flavored sugar) coated in chocolate. It is like eating a baby’s teeth. I am blowing through these things at an alarming rate.
Dottie helped me with Thursday’s poetry newsletter by holding the book I was citing open. Never mind it’s upside down. She doesn’t need to know that.
Things I Didn’t Buy This Week
(IF YOU ARE THE POSTMASTER GENERAL, DO NOT READ THIS) Technically I did NOT buy a grey color-block striped blanket. I bought a green one. But they sent me a grey one! And I was gonna return it! BUT here is the DRAMATIC TWIST: according to the tracking, this item is “running behind” and “awaiting delivery scan.” That’s inaccurate. But. It says that if my item is not delivered by February 14, they will refund me…and since I wanted a refund anyway, should I…do nothing? Is this mail fraud?
I think this Coach necklace that looks like a Coach purse is hilarious. I have jewelry that looks like shoes or purses, but this…this is special. Every time I see it I think of this tweet:
I did not buy this floral Asos dress for a friend’s wedding:
I did not buy this startup deodorant, because eventually, it will be available at TJ Maxx for $5 or less. This was the strategy I applied to Glossier, and it worked.
I did not buy the Sanrio candles…yet. I will if they put out a sample pack. I absolutely want all four; Little Twin Stars would go with all my vanity decorations, but I would probably like Kuromi's scent the best. I would use Hello Kitty in the living room and My Melody during luxurious showers.
Okay, phew, we made it. Here is Daniel Craig, who my mom thinks is not attractive, and who is apparently married to star of Disobedience and The Mummy, Rachel Weisz??????? How do I get THAT job amirite fellas!!!! Just kidding, I would not want to be Daniel Craig. I want my mom to continue thinking I’m attractive.
I don’t know why it’s “part two.” I watched the “part one” video once and didn’t like it as well.