Hello and happy Friday,1 all! I am ready for the weekend. Remember, this coming Monday is Presidents’ Day, so set out a tray of jelly rolls for Calvin Coolidge or he’ll steal your voice while you sleep and give it to the sea witch. He’s Silent Cal, and also Deadly Cal.
The Stupid Masked Singer Made Me Cry
In one of my group chats this week, my friend Amy sent a message to confirm Dick Van Dyke is NOT dead. When a celebrity is trending, they did one of three things: they died, they said something horrible, or they were revealed to be a character on The Masked Singer.
During its first season, I watched The Masked Singer regularly, half-delirious at how absurd (and often absurdly bad) it was. I also covered it for work, for a short period of time, live-blogging the judges’ antics and the big reveals and the “shocking commentary” from Twitter users who took it waaaaaaayyyyy too seriously.
Often, it’s an actively bad show. Rudy Giulani was on it (and he was not even good). So was Sarah Palin, who did a version of Baby Got Back that makes those Chex Mix commercials look sophisticated. Toni Braxton was technically beaten by Rob Schneider and Larry the Cable Guy. ROB GRONKOWSKI was awarded more appearances than DIONNE WARWICK!
And yet…I watched the video of Dick Van Dyke performing on The Masked Singer, and then his big reveal, and I cried my little face off, because, c’mon, look, he deserves to be on a stage forever and ever. Thank goodness we have horrible shows like The Masked Singer where our 97-year-old national treasures can be safely ensconced in a big foam gnome to perform for millions. Judges immediately started crying when DvD was revealed, and I know if I were ever in the same room as him, I’d be a blubbering mess too.
UNRELATED: Dog Content
Look. This dog has a stuffed toy of himself. I love them.
What Do I Know?
Here’s a little teaser trailer for you! On Monday, I’ll make a special appearance on my friend Matt’s podcast, Mattsplaining, to talk about poetry. It’s a fun, funny, educational show, in no small part because Matt invites people to talk about their passions – and that makes for fluid, engaging conversation. To prep for my appearance, I listened to episodes from my friends Chloe (who talked about burnout), Hayden (who talked about horses), and Michael (who talked about The Sopranos); those three are great places to start if you need something to listen to this weekend.
This Super Bowl Ad Got Me
I’m embarrassed to say I finally downloaded Temu after seeing their Super Bowl ad. For months, I’ve been receiving ads for the Temu app, and these hamster chair covers that cannot possibly be comfortable:
I’ve also seen dozens of ads for inexpensive rainbow notebooks, glittery plastic desk organizers, cheap bulk packs of pens with Sanrio characters on them – all my usual fodder. But I held strong. I don’t need more desk supplies and I definitely don’t need another app bloating my phone storage.
Then, the Temu ad aired during the Super Bowl showed a number of pretty, shiny, sparkly dresses, and I was doomed. During the game, I spent $9.99 (and free shipping!) on a red sparkly dress from the commercial that has ribbon ties all down the back. It’s already shipped and is supposed to be here tomorrow. I will share photos in next Friday’s Dispatch – if I can get it on my body, and if it doesn’t give me a rash.
Reading (and Watching and Listening) is Fundamental
I’ve been sort of puttering, mentally, this week, so books are scattered everywhere. I’ve picked up and put down Normal Distance a number of times (Thursday readers, you can expect one of Elisa Gabbert’s poems to appear in a newsletter coming soon). I’ve also been revisiting The Outlaw Bible of American Poetry2 and the second volume of The Writer on Her Work – the first collection of essays made me feel very driven and inspired, so I'm excited to dig into the second batch.
The biggest movie of 2023, Cocaine Bear, STILL ISN’T OUT YET!!! I am so mad! Instead, on Valentine’s Day, I went on a date and saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s in the theater.
Since Valentine’s Day, I have had the song Breakfast at Tiffany’s stuck in my head.
Last night, my friend Tara and I tuned into a workshop lead by Lauren Milici; we both wrote multiple poems over the course of an hour so I call it a success. Lauren’s new collection, Sad Sexy Catholic, is out now!
Things I Didn’t Buy This Week
Honestly, gang, this was an awesome week for Stuff I Want But Didn’t Buy.
This Swarovski cocktail ring, which I want in every color, so I can wear them all at once, like a beautiful Iron Man defeating an even more beautiful Thanos
A $9.99 bottle of Cher perfume – I will hold out until I find the four-piece “decades” set for under $30, and hopefully split it with my friend Rosa.
Other Temu products: a plush duvet cover, a fake Skims dress, those hamster chairs, a tiny smoking pipe that looks like a saxophone (?), costumes for Dottie
In my ongoing quest to find a dupe of Urban Decay Anarchy3 lipstick, I discovered Colourpop's Are You Surreal? It's $8, but shipping is high if you don't meet the minimum, and I haven't been able to find it in stores to swatch it.
And finally, I read a glowing recommendation for Stratia Liquid Golda "skin-strengthening moisturizer" made with cholesterol and fatty acids. It's supposed to be great, but...don't I have to EAT those things to get the benefits? I can’t just absorb them, right? It’s not worth $27, is it?
Wow, glad the weekend has arrived. I hope you all enjoy it! If you need me, I’ll be here:
Except you, Tristan. Happy Saturday. :)
For Christmas, I got my brother The Outlaw Bible of American Literature; he opened it and immediately read aloud a profanity-filled passage from DMX, which is all I hoped for.
In case my existing stash of my discontinued fave ever runs out