The Friday Dispatch: February 24, 2023
There are ghost horses, tentacles, and maybe my teeth falling apart
Hi! Happy Friday! I hope all of you are curled up on a floral chaise lounge right now, fighting over a blanket with a cat, and losing. It is sunny outside, but cold inside. Dottie and I are competing to see who can inch closest to the radiator without leaving the comfort of this couch.
Lemon, It’s Friday
Hey quick question: is drinking a ton of lemon juice awful for me? What if I make ice cubes out of pure lemon juice and never drink water or tea without them, hmm?
A while ago I saw a Tumblr post that said warm/hot water tastes “round” and icy cold water tastes “pointy,” and sparkling water tastes “sharp.” I agree. I’m trying to cut down on my consumption of seltzer/club soda, and that means I’m making my water “pointier” by adding lemon juice. But…is this bad?
Celebrities always say they wake up and drink “hot water with lemon” first thing in the morning, which is a way of cleverly disguising they’re skipping a meal. But I am drinking cold water, with lots of lemon juice, all day, for hours. I think of the character in The People of Paper who ate so many limes, it started to rot her teeth. Do we think my giant Stanley mug full of lemon ice cubes is going to make my teeth crumble to dust? Or burn my tongue? Should I fear for my kidneys, or is this fine?
Oh No I Am a Clown Snob
A little over a week ago, I won a Kate Spade sweater on eBay for under $20. I think this was my first time ever purchasing something Kate Spade. For reference, I did see it in an episode of New Girl – though I bought the pink rhinestone version instead of the white pearl one:
Thanks, Shop Your TV dot com!
I am feeling guilty, because Kate Spade came up in conversation this week, and despite the fact that I clearly LIKE Kate Spade and this cute little sweater I bought, I also described most Kate Spade clothing and accessories as dull1. Every time I see something from Kate Spade, I think, “Hmm, couldn’t they put some more…stuff on there?”
Take, for example, this perfectly cute gingerbread house bag. It’s adorable, but it’s also “understated” and “classy,” which are my least-aspirational labels. And it is over THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS!
Now, compare it to the Irregular Choice bag I was gifted several years ago, adore, and always get compliments on. It’s also a little house, but there are cats in the windows, and kitschy curtains, and hearts, and flowers, and…! This bag is also over a $200 price point, but I think it’s worth every penny.
I feel guilty for being a reverse-snob about this. I just do not understand the impulse to have “clean lines” or “a sophisticated silhouette.” We are all just clowns in God’s circus!!! Why not dress like it!
Speaking of fashion: here is that dress I ordered from the Temu app. It fits! I can’t tie the ribbons by myself, but at least two of my friends have also purchased it since I showed them photos, so I trust we’ll all be pros by the time we wear these to dinner and pretend to be triplets separated at birth and recently reunited.
Reading, Watching, and Listening to the Following
I’ve had a busy week and am still flitting between short story collections. In addition to that, I have a cool retro book to read. My friend Rosa is not a horse girl, but she is an ally, and so she got me a vintage copy of Nancy Drew and The Secret of Shadow Ranch. I have been reading it when I need my brain to have a break, and it’s a fun diversion! There’s a ghost horse on the cover and I am confident it’s going to be a major part of the narrative. I haven’t read a Nancy Drew mystery in at least a decade, which may be the reason I’m enjoying the plot so much. But I could also give Carolyn Keene more credit. It’s true what they say: you can’t beat a dead horse!
I am on season five of Better Caul Saul. When I’m done, which Bob Odenkirk vehicle should I watch, so Dottie can spend more time with her celebrity crush?
My Discover Weekly playlist was awesome this week. It introduced me to Lola, by Maude Latour, and Kiss Me Again, by Dinosaur. I’m also thrilled/devastated to announce the Olivia Newton-John and Dolly Parton version of Jolene is excellent, and brought tears to my eyes.
Things I Didn’t Buy This Week
Okay, so, I guess there is one “understated,” “subtle,” “classy2” brand I like, and it’s Catbird. It's a jewelry store that sells tiny skimpy skinny jewelry, because the idea is you buy four or 12 bracelets and "stack" them. It is a clear money-making grab, and I love it, and I have one of their Kitten Mitten bracelets tangled in the bottom of my jewelry collection. A couple of years ago, when they started carrying Chantecaille's nail polish, I hoped Catbird would do an in-house polish brand, and they finally have. But I will not be spending $24 on a nail polish that does not even change colors! Even if it is called Baby Pearl and I want it so bad!
I keep getting ads for the Embr Wave Heating and Cooling bracelet, which is a $349 smartwatch-looking device. It heats or warms your wrist to “send signals to your brain” to help you maintain body temperature. Though it appears to be marketed toward menopausal women, to help with hot flashes, I assume it is showing up in my targeted ads because I am always cold, and always complaining about it online.
Now THIS is a gaudy excessive bag worth $179! It is covered in stuffed animals and I would buy it if I did not anticipate being so concerned for the stuffed animals’ happiness that I never took it out, because I wouldn’t want it to get dirty. Also, it would have to sleep in bed with me.
It appears that Sylvanian is targeting me personally by releasing a Sanrio collection in Japan:
I dreamed that I had an LG Lotus phone, and I woke up considering whether I should buy one. The problem with the “fun” generation of non-smartphones, or early smartphones, is that they weren’t great for actually being PRODUCTIVE. Just wasting time, and looking cool. Now, our phones are great at productivity AND wasting time, and that’s terrible. I wish BlackBerry would come back.
I did not buy the Small Good Things journal from Good July – I won it in a giveaway! It arrived on a day I was very grumpy, had received a major rejection, and was NOT in the mood to be positive or do nice things for others. And I filled it out anyway, and it made me feel better. They come in five colors and I’m forcing myself to use it every day when I look at my planner. Thanks to my friend Brooke, who is the positive and inspirational genius behind Good July.
Okay! That’s it until next week. I am probably going to watch M3gan tonight. Will I see Cocaine Bear tomorrow? It’s a possibility, but we’ll see, based on how much novel writing I get done. Wow, turns out cocaine really IS the secret driving all great artists! D.A.R.E.3 was wrong!
Sorry if you heard me say this and we are now enemies! I understand.
I may have some built-up resentment around the word “classy” because I used to run the Pinterest board for Martha Stewart Weddings.
Yes, D.A.R.E. WAS wrong, but I still remember all the words to the song we performed at D.A.R.E. graduation and I will sing it for you on request.