The Friday Dispatch: February 28, 2025
Happy anniversary to my parents (kind of)
Hello! It is February 28th. It is not a leap year. Booooo. I love leap years and I love Leap Day, in no small part because that is my parents’ wedding anniversary! Here they are in their wedding attire, looking pretty much exactly the same as they do today:
The nice thing about my parents’ anniversary being on Leap Day is that, every non-leap-year-year1 we would celebrate their anniversary on February 28th AND March 1st. And my parents, being the people they are, celebrated their anniversary by doing something fun for our whole family. This was often when we had a “big” ToysRUs trip, or, one year, when we got a Wii (thus began a storied Mario Kart rivalry that would last decades). My brother and I are lucky to have parents who love us so much, and I’m grateful for a bonus day to celebrate them extra!!! Happy 8.25th anniversary. Tomorrow, I will be eating our traditional anniversary meal (Taco Bell) in your honor. Love you both so much!
In New York, we are rapidly approaching not-shitty weather conditions. Because the sun has been staying out past curfew2 and the precipitation has been gentle and pleasant, I have had this song stuck in my head since Tuesday afternoon:
Noggin’s programming for children is vastly underrated, IMHO. And yeah…if you were thinking “Hey, Moose A. Moose sounds a lot like his contemporary Stick Stickly…” You are correct to think that!
Wow I Am Just Everywhere This Week GOSH
Remember last week? When I told you there were a bunch of places to go/shows to stream, if you wanted to see me? Just wait…there’s more. ABUNDANCE!!!! As it just so happens, three of my upcoming appearances are both comedy-centric AND at UCB (on 14th Street just off 2nd Avenue), so you barely even have to navigate
Here they are, in order of temporal proximity to the writing of this newsletter:
Sunday, March 2: I am singing a (new!) parody song on We Stan Together at UCB. Dang! I REALLY want to tell you what the song is about. I will tell you this much: it is about a (dead) celebrity I have a crush on, and after I sing it, you will be able to call me Your Favorite Parody Artist’s Favorite Parody Artist. Okay. Please attend or live stream. These shows are so fun, I LOVE performing with Caitlin and Lauren and all their guests, and I can’t wait to be back in this lineup. You can watch this in the theater or at home! Info and tickets riiiight here!
Wednesday, March 5: I am in the cast of an hour-long sketch show called Prop in the Bucket at UCB. I’ve been spending the last couple weeks in rehearsals and CRAP this show is FUN. All the sketches are built around randomly assigned props, a writing exercise which has generated ridiculous scenarios involving birds, pharmacies, time travel, puppets, the Great Gatsby and much much more. Please! Watch this show!!! At your house OR at the theater! It is easy to do: just click this link for tickets and info!
Saturday, March 8: I am telling a story for Handle With Care: A COVID reflection series at P&T Knitwear. It’s been a while since I performed on a storytelling show, and I’m excited for this one, in which I will talk about crying a lot in my doctor’s office. Why was I crying? Did I ever stop? Was a cute dog involved? Also, is this the one non-comedy option in an agenda of Hattiecentric activities, and should you come if you want to be weirdly sad? Yeah!!!! It’s free, too, and in a BOOKSTORE. Spend the money you would spend on tickets to buy books! Please do RSVP, at this link, which is where the show info lives.
Sunday, March 9: I am one of the Women Who (almost) Made History at UCB. This is a Women’s History Month extravaganza, presented by Ninjas Assemble, and will feature (at least) 31 would-be historical/historically adjacent figures from Women’s History. I am spending my timeslot in character as a woman you have DEFINITELY met…but who is she?! A backup singer for Adele? An obscure Lisa Frank character? The first woman to ever dress slutty at a Renaissance Festival? The only way to know is to see the show (in-person or livestreamed)! Info and tickets here!
At the end of March, I’ll be sharing some new poems (!) from my upcoming zine (!!!!!!!!!) at a poetry reading. But more on that later! In the meantime, here’s a sneak peek of the tomfoolery I participated in at
’s going-away party-show last week. This and some other parody videos will be coming to my YouTube in the days ahead. Amazing hologram edit3 done by Tristan! Thank you Tristan!!!Go Ahead, Try and Explain This
Last night I went to CVS and I was looking for something in particular: Chex Mix. I’ve been to CVS before, and I know that, in some stores, they keep the Chex Mix with the chips, and in others, they keep the Chex Mix with the trail mix. Every once in a while you find Chex Mix in the “impulse buy” section near checkout. Or, you may even be surprised to see it with the “healthy” snacks (dried fruits, dried meats, cheese puffs made of nuts, etc).
Last night, though, I could not find the Chex Mix. So I went up to an employee who was standing on the border of the Chips Zone, and I asked, “Do you know where the Chex Mix is?”
He said, “Chex Mix? Like the cereal?”
This sort of stumped me! I don’t think I had ever been put in a position where I was expected to explain Chex Mix. What am I supposed to say? Yes…the cereal…but he is forced to live with his brother, the pretzel, and some dried garlicky breads that are tastier than real breads could ever be. Then they are covered in a light seasoning and sometimes cheese.
Before I could say anything, the employee was off, beelining to the breakfast-foods area of the store. He brought me back these peanut butter chocolate Chex Mix bars, and I was so moved by his joy/pride at finding them AND so astounded that a Chex product existed beyond my radar, that I bought the bars, even if they were not what I came into the store to buy. I had one for breakfast this morning! They’re good!
Also. Question. If I had a horse, and I lived with the horse in my New York City apartment (friends) (he sleeps with Dottie). When I took the horse out, would we walk…
In the car lanes? I think based on size/speed, this makes the most sense. Also, car:four wheel :: horse:four hoof. Okay!
On the sidewalk? Myles said this makes sense and I personally think he is on a different planet from me. He said that’s where NYPD ride their horses when they ride horses, and also makes the point that humans walk their dogs on the sidewalks in NYC. Horses would probably poop on the sidewalks, much like dogs do, so this solution would…I don’t know. It just…would.
In a bike lane? Is a horse like a bike? Yes: vehicle fueled by biology. No: two wheels ≠ four hoof. This could be the SAFEST option but also, no, because the horses would NOT like being in the middle of bikeswarm. I have successfully ridden many horses and have not successfully ridden many bikes, so I have no authority to answer this definitively.
Please let me know in the comments. I could probably Google the real answer, but I want to know YOUR answer.
Unrelated: This album is called Business! and it ROCKS. It sounds like living inside the computer that's on the desk in front of Harrison Ford when he takes his shirt off in the movie Working Girl. Go watch that scene from the movie, then listen to this album while you do your Business! stuff.
WIDNBTW
As you might have heard, there's a general strike/economic blackout going on today, February 28. So today, I am not buying ANYTHING! Why else did I get all my Chex products last night? There are a series of these "blackouts" going on worldwide over the next several weeks. The next full-day economic blackout is April 18th, so go ahead and mark your calendars with a reminder not to spend money on that date. Coordinated actions like this are a demonstration of the immense power we wield as consumers, so try your best to align your spending in a way that allows you to participate!
So, I’m not buying stuff today. But I also didn’t buy stuff…earlier. Whaaaaat?! Here’s What I Did Not Buy This Week:
Socks from World’s Softest Sock Co, which is having a BIG clearance sale. I am such a sucker for all the socks these guys make. The “cozy” ones are fluffy and thick, but the “regular” ones are supple and luxurious and make you feel like your feet are at a hotel, even when you’re just tromping around in practical sneakers.
Chalk that looks like an EAR OF CORN and a STICK OF BUTTER!!!!!!!
PEEPS-flavored Milk-Bone dog treats. I don’t have a dog, but I DO have curiosity (and, like my friend
, a passion for PEEPS)A VERY cute Vans Warped Tour shirt with the logo rendered into a darling mascot! I am certainly going to buy this. I am not sure if I will buy it before or at Warped. Thoughts??? Also: anybody else going to Warped??? What weekend?
A card game called “Make It Dance,” which sounds like it is either made for me OR totally unnecessary by the very nature of my personality
The Palmer’s shimmer body gloss, which I wrote about in my new (free!!!!!!!!) column, These Two Things
A lot of hand-painted Vans slip-ons I saw on eBay. I kind of want to buy everybody’s middle-school-summer-camp-hyperfixation-fever-dream shoes and wear them til they fall apart. Look, these ones say “I Heart NYC.” *I* heart NYC! And these, they’re Tombstone-themed! What the hell!
The “sunshine” flavored La Croix, which is allegedly coming to shelves in March, and which I will be looking for LIKE A HAWK
A Snoopy perfume at MiniSo that was very clearly trying to invoke Twilly by Hermes, and which succeeded, and smelled FANTASTIC. Why didn’t I part with the $13.99 for this one?!
Alright, that’s it for me, kids. Off to be Weekend Hattie! Off to write some more songs. Come to Prop in the Bucket on March 5th, please and thank you.
We need a name for these. “Not leap year” has no business as the default type of year. Stationary Year? Sit Year? Flop Year???? HMMM
4:00 PM EST
If someone wants to make an actual hologram of me, I give my consent, as long as I can also…be her friend.
May I recommend Peep S'mores?