The Friday Dispatch: January 24, 2025

One time I did 100 gecs at karaoke and my brother was like "you aren't going HARD ENOUGH"

Yo! Hi! What’s up! Happy Friday! I am back on my bullshit (listening to the 100 gecs album 10,000 gecs on repeat until my teeth jiggle). I really like 100 gecs even though they have a music video with simulated horse violence. And it’s NOT even for the song Stupid Horse!!!

One time, at karaoke, I sang the song Hollywood Baby and my brother was (rightly) critical because I did not go hard enough. I finished the song with my voice intact. That is my fault. There were no explosions (again: mea culpa!!!).

Speaking of karaoke, guess who did some this past weekend?¹ It was me!!!!!!!!!! And Myles! And our friends, who threw us a SICK surprise engagement party. On Sunday, we met up with our friend Chloe at TJ Maxx. If you ever want to lure me somewhere, just make sure there’s a TJ Maxx nearby, and I will go there without hesitation. After meeting up, Chloe ushered us to my favorite karaoke bar, where a bunch of friends were waiting in a private room with CAKE and DECORATIONS and a SASH (for Myles) and SUNGLASSES and a VEIL (for me) and gifts (for us) and songs (for everyone)! It was so fun! I love my friends and I love my fiancé and I love karaoke and I love cake! I am still smiling, every time I think about it.

Highlights included the entire room scream-singing along to Green Day² and me sing-crying along to Regina Spektor, not once (Myles) but TWICE (John)! The latter of which was captured on film:

I don’t want to jinx it, but so far, wedding planning is fun and cool. The only thing that’s really been stressful, thus far, is a light amount of running-amok on the part of the USPS. Yesterday I received a Substack message from a nice fellow who received an engagement gift intended for me and Myles (hi, Michael!), which was sent by mistake to an old address. He was kind enough to track us down, reach out, and arrange a time to get us the package.

Which is extremely funny, because last week my wedding dress got lost in the mail!

I want to say this first: the dress is fine. It’s here, it’s beautiful, it was $40 on eBay (thank you Momma!) and it fits like a glove. But! There was a 28-hour period where it was marked “delivered” and nowhere to be seen, and during that time, I did think once or twice “Hmm…I am feeling a little tense.” At the 24-hour mark, I followed USPS protocol and submitted a missing-package ticket. I asked our neighbors in the building to keep their eyes peeled.

And then, hours later, a knock on the door!

A neighbor from a different building, one block up the street, was holding a large box, labeled with a logo for—no joke—catheter bags. That’s funny, I don’t remember ordering 400 catheter bags, I thought. But then my brain caught up to my eyes. I remembered how eBay works, and after taking a quick visual measurement, I decided a wedding dress in my size probably is the same approximate volume as 400 catheter bags.

“This was delivered to our building by mistake, and it’s been sitting there since yesterday, so I thought I would just walk it over,” the neighbor man said. I stood there with my mouth open. Then I told him what was actually in the box, and he stood there with his mouth open. Then I thanked him, and wished I had some fresh-baked cookies to give him, and watched him disappear into the night, and then I tried my dress on and FaceTimed my parents!

Oh, heck, you³ can have a sneak preview. I’ll just need to redact some key features.

Mani! Feel Like a Woman

Another fun part of last weekend was getting my nails done by my friend Rebecca. As you may recall, back in December, Rebecca gave me Tamagotchi nails, which earned me relentless compliments from friends and strangers alike. Now, I have some glitter, bejeweled, sculptural confections, courtesy of her gel artistry and UV lamp mastery.

Perhaps I should give you a “tour” of the nails hmm? Shall I? We have: sculpted chrome-brushed gel waves, with and without rhinestones; a heart made of tiny pearls; a blush-and-white ombre with pearls and/or stones; white polka dots with floral lace (!) overlays; floral lace French tips; and flowers made of white pearls.

These nails have EVERYTHING! When Rebecca asked if I wanted anything in particular, I said “no <3”. Then I changed my mind! I asked for some little blue jewels, alongside the pearls, as a fun “something blue” accent. And Rebecca delivered!

If you are in New York and you are looking for a new nail artist…hey. I know a gal.

Runaway Bag

Myles and I watched Runaway Bride on Wednesday⁴ night, and it reignited in me a furious desire: to find the bag Maggie Carpenter is toting when she ransacks Homer Eisenhower “Ike” Graham’s hotel room. In other words, the bag Julia Roberts carries for around 3 nonconsecutive minutes of screentime. Here it is:

It’s a boho style tote bag, woven natural fiber. Not straw/raffia/rattan. Something softer. Jute? Hemp? Burlap? Canvas? On the side, it has a scale, and it says LIBRA. I am a Libra! I have searched and searched for this purse online and in-person, to no success. It is reminiscent of another purse I have coveted in vain. I’ve pitched an article about it to a few different magazines, under the headline “This purse from Showgirls has ruined my life.” No bites on the pitch, and no success finding the purse, which only appears for seconds at a time, carried by Molly Abrams (Gina Ravera).

It's a pearlescent blue, much like the Game Boy Advance SP I owned as a teenager, and it looks small enough to be a makeup case or tiny train case. But I cannot find it – or something suitably like it – anywhere. The purse is featured during the scene where Nomi buys her Versace dress (at the Forum!) and so every "what they wore in this scene" website online has muddled this mystery bag with bigger, flashier, brand-ier fashion. I've ruled out several vintage brands from consideration, and I think it is either a Barbara Bolan handbag or a repurposed craft box. But these suspicions are just that, suspicions, and I have yet to confirm the provenance or current availability of either cinematic purse!

File Under D for Dork

I had a lot of fun with my friends last weekend at various parties/events, but guess what I’m doing tomorrow night? When I get home from my busy day, I am curling up with my new file folders, and spending some quality time alphabetizing my life.

I wasn’t always like this. In fact, I don’t think I am Like This. I think it’s purely aspirational, the file folders and the tabs and the indices and the careful labeling. But then again…no, it’s not??? My desk is the one part of my house that’s consistently orderly, if not tidy, if not clean. And last Friday night, after I built my file cabinet to this Super Mario 64 powerup music on repeat for an hour, I went ahead and sorted all my papers into their appropriate categories: writing (poetry), writing (nonfiction), writing (short fiction), writing (longform fiction), medical, financial, personal. Et cetera. And this was before I had folders!

This is something I was talking to my friend Tristan about earlier in the week: if you do something as a “bit,” or take on an affectation, at what point does it just become…who you are? For years, I never thought of myself as a planner person, but as many of my readers know, I sure as hell became one.

I think it’s more valuable, and more honest, to consider our personalities as the result of our behaviors. The alternative—seeing our actions as an end result of our personalities—lends itself less willingly to change. I don’t think I’m a “more serious,” or “less fun” person, just because I’ve developed systems and routines which make my life easier. In fact, I think I’m more fun now, because I am not living a life of chaos or crisis, dictated by the Things I Forgot to Prepare For. I can sing harder and dance harder and shriek louder at karaoke when I know I’m prepared to tackle everything on my plate the next day! And isn’t it nice, too, to know that if at anytime I am dissatisfied with my life, or myself, I can change the person I am by changing the way I behave? If I believe myself to be the product of my actions, then I can grow. If I see my actions as a product of who I am, then my actions are limited by my beliefs. I just think that’s a happier and freer way to live.

Okay, that’s too sincere for a Friday. Jabba the Brat:

Here’s What the Boxcar Children Are Up To Recently

This week, Myles and I started reading our 9th Boxcar Children book! A great thing about this series: they do NOT pussyfoot around. Book One is the core story, boys and girls meet boxcar, boys and girls live in boxcar, boys and girls rescued from poverty-induced illness by wealthy grandfather. Then, Books Two through Infinity are nuts.

They’re formulaic, at least to start. Benny, Violet, Jessie, and Henry think up a fun adventure to go on, and then Grandfather Alden says “Okay!” In the first five or so books, there are between 1-4 chapters of Deciding Where to Go and Packing For a Trip and Waking Up Early and Getting on The Road. The rest is Solving Mysteries.

By Book Nine, The Mountain Top Mystery, these kids are TRAPPED ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN by PAGE TWELVE! Hell yeah! We don’t have time to describe the sandwiches Mrs. MacGregor packed, or what Aunt Jane is going to do while the kids are climbing Flat Top. We have a MOUNTAIN to get stuck on! And then a MYSTERY related to that, in some way!

The cover for this book contains a spoiler, which is awesome/hilarious:

I also finished My Lovely Wife this week. It’s fun! If you like murder! I found this by searching “murder husband novels,” and it fits the bill. It’s 400 pages. They zoom by FAST. There were multiple “twists” I guessed early, and one I didn’t! It’s 72 short chapters + an epilogue, so, good train reading.

WIDNBTW

I went to an Urban Outfitters this week and man! They had so many things which I did not purchase! Too expensive. I am not spending $10 on a tiny trinket plate just because it has horses on it and I love horses and I want to have the horses to look at!

Here’s What I Did Not Buy This Week.

• This Valentine’s Creature from Target, who I love, and who I want to be friends with. Is he a bird? Is he a bear? Yes. He is a beard. And he is my friend.

  

• The “Ultimate Art Nouveau Strategy Game,” a marketing description which implies the existence of other, lesser art nouveau strategy games.

• The Crayon Shin-Chan Game Boy game, which I found at Book Off, and which I can play for free online.

• A snake needle felting kit, which I found so cute, it made me cry

• A holographic, iridescent Kiki’s Delivery Service notebook at Kinokuniya Books

• This moisturizer which the Reddit ladies seem to like

• Quail eggs???? My grocery store had QUAIL EGGS this week? Okay! Whatever. I wish they stocked better flavors of coffee creamer, but sure. Tiny eggs. For, what, tiny quiches? Which I cook in my Easy-Bake Oven and feed to Dottie? Okay! That’s adorable! I argued myself into being onboard!

• Sailor Boop???????

  

• This corn dog shirt or this pie shirt from Urban Outfitters

• This tiny trinket plate with horses which is TEN DOLLARS

• This even cuter “girl dinner” dessert plate which is FOURTEEN DOLLARS

• Pickle toothpaste (honestly, good call on this one, ad algorithms)

• A purse that looks like Fifi, the kinetic poodle statue from the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore

• A “smart thermometer” that tells you the weather using literary quotes

Okay! And with that. It is time for pre-dinner! And by that, I mean a piece of Laderach chocolate I eat very slowly while cooking risotto. If you made it this far, please, go buy yourself some Laderach chocolate. Happy Friday.

1. If you do not get this one right I am truly shocked

2. The representative from California? Well...you see...we gave him the floor

3. Nice try, Myles!!!!!

4. About 4 minutes in, Myles turned to me and said, “Hey. Don’t run away.” Good advice!