Hi, happy Friday! Boy oh boy, I smell bad. As soon as I finish writing to you guys I am going to go take a shower. It is hot and sticky and muggy and I LOVE this because I am a beautiful lizard, BUT I unfortunately have normal human girl1 sweat glands, so the world must pay a horrible price for my comfort.
Hey, uh, speaking of, um, heat, and discomfort…yesterday I was working when I heard what sounded like an ambulance trying to get through the cars double-parked along my block. It just kept going, though, so I went to the window to see half a dozen fire trucks on the street below. At first it was hard to tell if something was going on at MY building, but then I looked across the street, and saw people evacuating another apartment complex. And then the fire trucks lifted their ladders to the roofs, and then they started breaking open windows, letting brown smoke pour out. I ran outside in my pajamas and a robe, and shortly after, neighbors from my building followed. A few called their friends from the flaming building, either to check they were okay, or tell them, “Hey, your building is on fire, you should come home.” One guy brought his nice DSLR camera to take photos. A neighbor from my building, who had come out to walk his dogs, saw all of us on the sidewalk and said “Wait, what?!”
It made me feel better, in a weird way, to see the firefighters going from window to window, shattering them with pickaxes. I often worried that, if I WERE to be stuck in a fire, I would not be strong/capable enough to lift open my windows. Or, you know, another stupid, irrational fear, like, the rescue team would come to my window and look in and say “Wow, it is MESSY in there! We are not coming in!” In practice, it looked so routine. Break window, enter space, sweep for residents, come back out, next window.
After a while I went back to work. It didn’t seem like anyone got hurt but I’m going to ask my neighbors and see if anyone impacted by the damage needs replacement clothes, toiletries, supplies etc.
Two YouTube Videos Occupying My Thoughts
This week, two YouTube videos I hadn’t seen in a while have been living in my head rent-free.2 The first is from a musical by the theatre company StarKid. Weirdly, I was not much of a StarKid kid. They’re best known for musical parodies of Harry Potter, Batman, and Star Wars. But I only really care about this song, from a musical called Firebringer. Every time I have been doing chores this week, I have thought, I don't really wanna do the work today I don't really wanna do the work today I don't really wanna do! the work! today I don't wannnnnna do the work today.
Second is a YouTube video I have not watched in years and years and years. But, when I watched the Barbie movie, there was one scene that made me think “Hey, Radio Lab already did this!” Somehow, I knew exactly what to search to find it, and somehow, it still makes me all teary.
The Latest Buzz
My friend Matt has a new Substack! Within the next few weeks,
will become a repository for his dispatches from Edinburgh Fringe Fest. But right now, he’s writing about his pet culinary product: infused honeys. I went through most of a vial of Matt’s habanero honey this week. Next time, I need to get a massive Beauty Brands-style pump bottle and fill it with 32 ounces of spicy liquid gold. Throw a subscription Matt’s way – I hear he may even add cute dog pictures for particularly loyal readers.The only other media I have to recommend to you this week is Miley Cyrus covering The Bitch is Back. It’s a track from Restoration, an album that features yeehaw covers of Elton John and Bernie Taupin’s songs. The whole album is worth your while, but Miley stands out.
There’s a cover of I Want Love, which is also excellent, but…nothing stands up to the original, on the basis of music video alone. Do you want to see Robert Downey Jr. being sad in an empty mansion? Great news. So do I.
Things I Did Not Buy This Week
Rumor has it on bootleg Sanrio product Instagram that a Hello Kitty vanity chair is soon to be on the market from Impressions, a company that seems to make…cute vanity products and nothing else. Okay, perfect company! I’m resisting for now. I’m waiting for TJ Maxx.
I used a sample of AmLactin rapid relief lotion this week (on my face because I did not read the instructions, which said, “Don’t put this on your face”). It made my skin PERFECTLY smooth and glowy and soft and angelic and satiny, except in the two spots where it gave me the biggest, ugliest whiteheads I’ve ever seen. You know in a 90s cartoon when a teen character would have acne? Or when they would do the close-ups on SpongeBob looking all…porous? That’s what it looked like. I have a coupon so I am definitely going to buy AmLactin, which made my body super soft, but I will probably not use it on my face again. Unless…?
I received a sample of Victoria’s Secret Bare Rose, which I’ve yet to use, since I’m too sweaty to try smelling good. Everything I douse myself in evaporates.
I got an ad for a Shein blanket with Markie, the Lisa Frank unicorn on it. A $2.67 blanket? Too good to be true. It will give me bugs.
I really love this shirt, made by a Taylor Swift fan, that has all the eras as cats.
These vegetable earrings are beautiful, but at that price point, I’d be devastated if I broke them.
I no longer need a phone case but I appreciate that Five Below knows my type!
And with that, I’m off to shower. Let’s set a timer and see how long I can go post-shower before I become unbearably gross and sweaty again. Wish me luck.
What do lizards smell like ??????
How do I monetize…having thoughts?