The Friday Dispatch: March 22, 2024
My SCATHING HOT TAKES on the role of AI in modern life!!!!!!!!!!
Hello! If you’re reading this, I am ACTIVELY GETTING MY MOUTH RIPPED APART. He he he. Sorry – I’m still hung up on the wisdom teeth thing! Cause that’s today. I did not realize this when I made the appointment, but I am having my wisdom teeth removed on the one-year anniversary of my younger brother having his wisdom teeth removed. I am trying to see this as a good omen!
And hey, speaking of that. Earlier in the week, I called my dentist’s office to ask some questions about the procedure: will I be under general or localized anesthesia (localized!), how long will I be numb (two to three hours!), can I keep my teeth?
When I asked that last question, the staff member on the phone launched into a short speech. “So, Dr. G doesn’t like for patients to take their teeth home, because he thinks it’s a bad omen,” he said. The delivery was just cheerful enough that it made me wonder if this monologue had been rehearsed, or perhaps repeated. “He definitely understands that some people want to take their teeth after removal, but he encourages patients not to bring their problems home with them.” Okay! Of all the professionals I encounter in my day-to-day life, I guess I’m pretty comfortable with my dentist being the superstitious one. Better than, say, a pilot. Or a gynecologist.
While talking about all our various teeth, one of my coworkers said he often dreams about losing his teeth. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a dream about my teeth falling out, but according to a cursory Google (“teeth dream what mean”), it’s one of the most common stress/anxiety dreams. With that in mind, I’m kind of surprised that I haven’t had a dream about my teeth falling out ahead of my wisdom tooth removal. Of course, all my prior tooth loss has been willed by God and/or my skull developing; this is the first time a mere mortal man is going to reach in there and take my teeth from me.
I have been having stress dreams, though not about the teeth coming out, or the pain that I expect will take their place. Before I called my dentist to confirm my appointment details, I was having nervous dreams about being put under. I have a mild sprinkling of hypochondria, but unfortunately, I am also very often correct. Remember that time I had constant chest pain for six years and every doctor said “No you don’t1, idiot?” Okay, so maybe we understand why I am occasionally…skeptical…of medical stuff. I’ve spent a lot of my week looking up the words "dental anesthesia" + mortality on PubMed.
And also? Hello???? General anesthesia makes you go into a deep dreamless sleep, super fast. Sleep, which we all know is naught but a painted death. DEATH??? The thing we all are SCARED OF and know NOTHING ABOUT??????? Okay! Sure! So you want me to go to the Teeth Man, in his House of Many Knives, and subject myself to Death for Dummies at his hand? A man who doesn’t even have the decency to let me take my own bones home with me?! No! No! I’m staying awake! I’m not scared of pain; I am scared of getting the ol’ Ctrl + Alt + Delete, no matter how temporary, on a Friday afternoon.
Anyway. My brother went under general anesthesia for his teeth and he said it was fine, but he is brave and tough, and I am not those things at all. Give me pain.
The Computers Are Not Winning
I’ve been experimenting with the AI image generator in Canva recently. It’s a handy tool for, say, Spotify playlist covers, or fun phone backgrounds. It’s also great if you wanna feel real scared for no reason!
Look, I’m not scared of AI taking over for two reasons. Number one: AI is not “intelligent” enough to replace humans. Number two: most humans are not intelligent enough to effectively use it for evil. I am certainly not. Over the course of a day and dozens of attempts, AI and I could not effectively produce a computer-generated image of me with 100 teeth.
Put another way: AI is like your stoner friend who comes up with endless nonsequiturs, like, “What about a turducken but one of the birds is a lobster,” and in this example, you are the other stoner, who writes a list of potential names for this new invention (lobducken, turloben, turduckster).
So, anyway, I was trying to generate an image of myself with 100 teeth, and it did NOT work, but I made some other stuff! First, this picture that doesn’t technically look like me, but is maybe imprisoning a tiny chunk of my spirit?
We’ve got this one, which is more teeth-per-square-inch but still lacking:
We’ve got. Uh. Her:
NOT the assignment but nice palate cleanser after the above:
And finally, just for fun, what Canva gave me when I typed “Hattie Hayes” in the suggestion box.
Why not! Cute blouse!
Bust in Show
Have you watched any of Physical 100? If you have, then you are capable of understanding that very, very funny subhed. If you haven’t watched Physical 100, let me explain! Physical 100 is a Korean reality competition show. They get 100 buff people and make them fight. Sometimes that’s, like, fight-fight, and sometimes it’s a challenge (build a bridge! carry a lot of heavy stuff! etc!). There’s a wide range of competitors: CrossFit champions, CrossFit influencers, CrossFit gym owners, regular gym owners, MMA fighters, firefighters, wrestlers, military special forces, dancers, models, ice climbers, cheerleaders, former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Dustin Nippert. The full spectrum of the human experience!
Viewers are introduced to the 100 contestants the old-fashioned way: one by one, in a room full of their disembodied torsos.
My brother told me about this show, and I’m going to pass along the warning he gave me: in every episode, one thing happens. Each episode is one hour, which is just enough time for one thing to occur. In episode one, we meet all the contestants. That’s…pretty much it. In episode two, they do the first pre-challenge, which eliminates no one. Then they move on to the first challenge, which puts all 100 contestants in one-on-one combat. It. Takes. FOREVER. It’s perfect television, because even though it is hacked and slashed together in the way all reality TV is, it gives the most weight to the contests of skill (and strength and luck and strategy). Most of the interpersonal dynamics are just a fun accessory – or at least, they are where I am right now, halfway through season one. Highly recommend watching this in bed while you eat a cookie.
Detritus
I didn’t scan the QR code because I got scared I might open a portal.
This mobile pet grooming service called “Groom Groom” makes me weep with laughter.
I went to a fun work event and they gave me a folder/binder/Trapper Keeper. I IMMEDIATELY decorated it upon arriving home, like a PROFESSIONAL.
Strange cat from Reddit!
IDK why Facebook suggested this group to me. But the algorithm was right to do so.
WIDNBTW
Ah, another Friday, another shining example of my fiscal discipline. Just kidding! I bought a lot of goofy stuff off the internet just because! But here’s What I Did NOT Buy This Week.
The best Mets hat in the game (Should I buy this for my friend Mrs. Rosa Baseball-Escandon? Or does she already have it?)
A Swarovski cat or her corresponding kitten (both out of stock)
You Could Be That Kind of Girl, a book forthcoming later this year from Word West Press and Tea Franco, but not yet available to preorder!
A purse advertised with the slogan “bags are the toys for adults.” Uh? Tell that to the My Little Pony on my desk???? Or any of my Tamagotchis?
A cat paw spout teapot, even though these wonderful creatures have consumed my every moment since I learned of them.
And with that: I leave you! Have a great weekend! Chat at you soon! Pray for my mouth and bones and the rest of me! I hope I am still able to use straws and eat pot roast after my mouth heals! Ouchie!
Read that in a 30 Rock Voice, please