Hi! Tomorrow is April 1st! It is April Fool’s Day, my fourth-favorite holiday1! And it is the very first day of National Poetry Writing Month, so I will write a poem tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that! All the way through April. I can’t wait!
Following my own advice, I’m going to stay off of Twitter and Instagram through the next month so I can focus on writing. But you’ll still find me here in this newsletter! Paid subscribers will get to see all my messy first drafts, so please consider upgrading your subscription to this newsletter if you would like to blackmail me with sloppy poems later. AND I am going to give the “subscriber chat” feature in Substack a try, at some point…we shall see!
New Poem: Love on Mars
Making sure you didn’t miss my new poem, which went live in the Dharma Direction newsletter earlier this week. You can read it for free here! DD publishes zodiac-inspired content every month, including essays, fiction, recipes and poetry. Debbie invited me to write a poem for Aries season and it wound up being the perfect opportunity to string together some ideas I’ve had recently! Also, big thanks to my friend Rebecca, because I lifted one of her text messages and used it as a line.
I Love My Cat’s Loose Skin
After Christmas I put Dottie on a diet because she was tooooo biiiiiiiig. It was dangerous to her health, and also the lady at the JetBlue check-in desk had to commit fraud in order to get Dottie on the plane. She was technically a tiny little smidgen over the [REDACTED]-pound weight limit.
Dottie and I have been working hard to get her to a healthy weight! I want her to live 10,000 years. And now, I am happy to announce Dottie is over halfway to her goal weight! There are noticeable changes beside what we see on the scale. She has loose skin flappies! She is also getting softer, probably because I am incorporating small lunchtime portions of wet food into her diet. Big thanks to my friends Amy and John who said this was how they helped Haverchuck (Dottie’s estranged paramour) lose weight. Also, I am using this automated feeder for consistent (small) breakfast and supper portions. It allows you to record a message for your pet, which will play every time they eat. I had a nice, normal message recorded, but somehow I messed it up, so now when it’s time to eat, Dottie just hears the muffled sound of me mumbling to myself in a confused tone. So, normal mealtime noises!
Here are some Dottie photos and a Tumblr post I think of every time I talk to Dottie.
Stuff You Might Like
I am finally watching Dickinson on Apple TV. It’s fantastic. It panders directly to me. Emily Dickinson, under the influence of drugs, dances with a giant bee. The bee says, “I’m covered in pollen, baby.” The bee is voiced by Jason Mantzoukas. Sorry, Chloe, you’re right, I should’ve watched this YEARS ago.
Many weeks ago I saw an old Reddit post in which a woman claimed drinking spearmint tea cleared up her hormonal acne. At some time prior to that, I had seen a video about the anti-aging benefits of hibiscus tea. Every week, I’ve been making a gallon of spearmint-hibiscus iced tea and drinking a glass every day. No clue if it’s done anything for my skin2 but man, it’s delicious, without sugar or anything!
Things I Did Not Buy This Week
I am mad at the Dunkin’ app again! There are THREE drinks in the app that are apparently exempt from being purchased with reward points. They are: chai lattes, matcha lattes, and frozen matcha lattes. In case you were wondering, I only discovered this oversight because I have been really into matcha lattes this week! But I did not buy one from Dunkin’ because they are six stupid dollars.
Speaking of coffee shops where I am not getting things…I do not live in Arizona anymore. That is the only reason I do not have Dark Hall Coffee’s marble espresso cake sitting next to me right now. I bookmarked the Instagram post so I can look at it over and over.
I thought about buying these $9.99 hair extensions and wearing them to my friend Rosa’s birthlorette party, but I am going to wait until there is a coupon, buy two sets, and wear them somewhere even more opulent (her wedding?) (the opera?) (both???).
I love this Catbird ring that is a snake eating a pearl, which embodies how I would like to see myself.
I have not purchased Matty Newton’s astounding Party Girl illustration as a poster because it does not seem to be for sale…yet. But I am patient.
Okay. See you Monday. I’ll be back and I’ll have poems.
After Easter and New Year’s Eve and Christmas! My fifth-favorite is, funnily enough, Fourth of July.
Maybe they cancel each other out! Hibiscus is anti-aging, so I look younger; spearmint clears up acne, so I look less like a hormonal teen.