The Friday Dispatch: May 16, 2025
Let's engage in clownery with momma
Hi! Guess what! My mom is here! In New York! Where I am! Hooray! You’re getting this email at night because I spent all day walking around with my Momma, looking at stores, trying on foundations, befriending the guy at the MAC counter AND the lady at the little Francophile pharmacy, and engaging in collusion with the employees at Lush. Also, enchiladas. And donuts. And, also, cronuts. In conclusion, pizza.
Very often, I ask myself the question: Is this a trap? Sometimes, I encounter something in the wild—an ad for an event, a book, an entire store—which feels suspicious. Like when I got an email ad from an online focus group, which would require me to keep a journal (awesome) about fragrances (yes please), body care (of course) and candles (hell yeah, brother), and THEY would pay ME?!
Or the store Partea NYC, which is a boba tea/gachapon-claw-machine-arcade combo. It feels like a Hattie Trap. Someone said, “I need to trap Hattie,” and somebody else said, “Build a place where she can get a bubble tea and also spend hours admiring and winning little Sanrio plushies.” And then, the moment I walk in, a big Bugs Bunny box falls on top of my head.
Not Quite Registering
Over the five months since getting engaged, something which I unfunnily think of as our Wedding Bell Époque, I’ve been kind of backburnering the registry. Not out of any noble, selfless, “No, really, we don’t need or want gifts” moral position. Mostly we just want weird stuff! The first thing on our registry was actually a cash fund for our future burying places. Is this so bad? To want a NICE mausoleum??? We’re forward thinkers!
A few people did point out, though, that we may appreciate having gifts that we can enjoy and utilise while we are, uh, alive. And I get that. The thing is: We want to register for some really dumb shit!
We did register for a Clapper. Just so you know, when you go to the listing for the Clapper on Amazon, there are a lot of derivative Clappers which I find disturbing. There is a Bob Ross Clapper with a nightlight, and he speaks to you. There is also a Baby Yoda Clapper…and the Mandalorian talks to you through him…but it SOUNDS like it’s coming from Baby Yoda? No, thank you! We will take the original.
Through the Clapper, we did find Ken French, who was apparently—previously—the world’s fastest clapper, and participated in a Clapper ad:
His YouTube channel is a delightful soupçon of professional clapping, though I will issue a content warning for this one where he claps along to Ghost Riders in the Sky while in scary skeleton makeup:
My work friends—I want to say, specifically, my coworker Martin—correctly believe that we should register for this seven-foot-tall horse lamp. It IS twelve thousand dollars. However, look. Look at him standing alone in a room. What’s that about?1
Now, there is good news. Because New York is New York, my mom and I were walking through the subway yesterday, and a guy was selling…horse lamps! In an array of colors and at only $60. My favorites are the ones with actual lampshades, as opposed to exposed bulbs. Something about that elevates them.
I want to highlight the final Thing We Did Not Register For This Week. I won’t tell you what it is. But I’ll give you a hint! We were browsing Walmart dot com, looking at the Drew Barrymore kitchen collection. Then, we found something which we presume was incorrectly labeled as part of the Drew Barrymore kitchen collection.
It also wasn’t a very good deal.
Recommended Reading (And Watching and Listening and)
How have I been doing mentally? Well, I spent a really long time this week reading and re-reading the Wikihow titled “how to respond to ‘What’s up?’” My favorite suggestion is probably “It’s been a long day, brother.”
M y friend
released a comedy special! You can watch Manic Impressive on YouTube, or stream it via Apple and Spotify. Congratulations, Tristan, I am so proud of you!“In defense of temporary obsessions,” by
, had a great concept—attention “snacks”—which I keep thinking about. Obsessing over, even.- had a great post a while back which I just caught up with, about tracking what works. I am looking forward to #1000WordsOfSummer even if bullied me personally with the phrase “choose to get the sleep you need.”
People have been joking about playing auditory Russian roulette with Somebody That I Used to Know and Anxiety. But the last several weeks of my radio listening have been a confusion of Ventura Highway and Someone to Call My Lover, a song which apparently came out 11 years ago, but is being played in every store I go to and on every radio station right now. Why????? I’m happy about it. BUT WHY? WHY hadn’t I heard Someone to Call My Lover until a few weeks ago? AND WHY am I hearing it SIX TIMES A DAY now?
This Analog Office post on using symbols to navigate your to-do list, plus this blog about using a “high five” notebook, gave me many ideas on how to organize my notebooks.
Myles and I watched The Holidate, which I had already seen, a cute romcom about how Holidays Are Hard and Your Aunt, Kristin Chenowith, Is SO Horny. Very cute acting and writing. Straddles the “dumb” to “not dumb” line perfectly, making it dumb enough. Watch it and smile and sigh happily.
All of these productivity tips are awesome, but I am absolutely going to start using the TA DA! board
Instantly calm a grumpy hedgehog.
Don’t know what is going on with the dog in this video, but I like him.
Last but not least: My parents finally reached the clown fight in Malcolm in the Middle. What a perfect show.
What I Did Not Buy This Week
I bought all of it :) sorry!
Okay, okay. Not quite. But it feels that way! Here’s WIDNBTW, in a truncated form, because pretty much anything I didn’t buy…my momma bought for me.
The Kate Spade glammwich, which I got an ad for. I would’ve called it “the sandwich baggie,” but that’s just me!
These customized chairs, made to look like your favorite celebrities, or the pre-made artist-inspired ones. These were another registry-adjacent discovery. Have you ever thought, “Oh, I really wish I could sit on The Beatles”? Weirdo! I’m here for you:
The chairs DO look really cool when there are several of them, empty, around a table. And! The guy also makes a Jerry Garcia chair…Or should I say…CHAIRY GARCIA! *assassinated by Ben & Jerry’s Copyright Team*
A different, sensual lady-shaped chair.
An umbrella from a guy outside a tourist shop when it started to rain today (Momma and I were strong and walked in the rain!) (let’s proudly be dampened with mama)
A really cute expensive purse charm from Bloomingdale’s. I liked the Little Miss/Little Mister, Hello Kitty, cherry and blueberry ones!
A cosmetic bag with a doggy on it who kind of reminded me of Myles
The Miller Lite Pringles (I want these) (hey, Dad, are these good?) (Let’s get Pringly with dada)
Okay! That is all for now! I have to go do face masks! Godspeed and happy Friday!
If only there were a hotline where someone could answer my questions about the horse la–WAIT A MINUTE!
Thank you for the shoutout and also for being my friend!