The Friday Dispatch: May 2, 2025

ft. Horse Pants

Hello! Wow! April was 12 minutes long. Huh!

I am still in LA. The weather here has been mostly horrible (hovering in the FREEZING, UNTENABLE mid-60s, a temperature which kills off my joy and zest and some bacteria). However, despite the arctic chill, it is sunny. So I will take that.

To follow up on last week’s email, I have made a decision. I do not think that California is depressing. I do think everyone here is a little bit too normal. Even with Beyoncé in town, even in the wild wild west, I have yet to see a single outfit that makes me say “Whoa! What’s going on there!!!!” Then again, I’ve been contained mostly to “normal” locations, in daylight hours, SO! Maybe there is freakishness here, but California has stricter temporal boundaries (time zone thing?) and so I’m less likely to see 2:30pm Weird than I am in New York.

Speaking of weird. I do have one.

Weird catcall I keep getting here: people complimenting my skin??? When I’m traveling, I generally don’t look that good. I get all crusty and tired. But something—either a mass delusion specific to California or the luminous effects of that La Roche Posay cicabaume I mentioned last week—is causing people in LA to think my skin looks nice. And they keep saying it.

Strangers. At a distance, and up close. The former, of course, making me wonder if there is authenticity to these compliments or if this is just a “nice” thing to say to a stranger in Los Angeles. No obvious demographic variables at play (an older guy on a scooter doubled back to compliment my skin and say he was “my biggest fan,” which, ???????). No, I am not wearing any crazy products. On one of the days, I was wearing the Essence Magic Filter Glow Booster, but only one of the days, so there’s no accounting for cosmetic interference.¹

It’s a nice thing to hear. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it. I try hard to take care of my face! But something about hearing the phrase “I like your skin” multiple times gives me…notes of…cannibalism. Which, again, I (famously!) appreciate cannibalism. Just sorta feel…conspiracied!

And, lest you think this is a humblebrag², a couple weeks ago I was catcalled yelled at in Missouri. Whilst crossing the street, a guy leaned out of his car window and hollered, “Hey, get your fat ass out of the road!” Which!!!! SIR, I was in a crosswalk, I had the right of way! Regardless of ass volume! Be cool!

In my downtime, I’ve been smiling serenely at those “Let’s _[verb]_ Mama” memes that are de rigueur this week. This one speaks to me:

Wisdom:

Also, I DID get to go to karaoke with my friend Alex, and the restroom sign featured my new favorite symbolic depiction of gender:

Here’s…

WIDNBTW

What I did not buy this week! There are a lot of brand-new sentences in this list, things I’ve definitely never said before and look forward to confusing people with in the future.

• The CBD supplements being sold in an infomercial by Woody³ Harrelson’s go-kart-champion brother, Brett

• Jimmy Kimmel’s horse pants from Shark Tank

  

• Two different teas, called “LUNG RESCUE” and “POOP ENFORCER,” being sold next to a huge hot sample vat of cauliflower soup

• This thing:

  

• Quokka scissors (I want to buy this and kiss his small round head and nose):

  

• A powder compact shape like a seashell, which reminds me of the e-reader from It Follows

  

• And, finally, the rainbow chard hair clip from Jenny Lemons, a

  Chloe Brooks
  hair clip if ever I saw one:

  

  And that is that! More next week, probably. Something next week, at least! Until then, my friends, may your interactions with strangers be focused solely on the clarity of your acne and evenness of your skin tone, not the volume of your ass or its relative proximity to the road. Godspeed, and THANK YOU FOR READING.

1. I REALLY like this Essence glow filter stuff, but be warned: it smells like feet.
The smell dissipates within 20 seconds of application. But for those 20 seconds, you will smell like a foot.

2. It is.

3. Recently discovered that, when making small talk, my brother and I both default to the same “fun fact” about Woody Harrelson…cannot help but think I am a bad influence!