The Friday Dispatch: September 6, 2024
Happy birthday to my little brother, a tiiiiiiiiiny teeny litttttle baby who is also a grown man
Hi! Happy Friday! If you are my brother: Happy birthday! If you are not my brother: Doesn’t it suck, not to be cool?! I would know, because I am not my brother; therefore, I am not cool. My brother is the only cool person to ever exist. Witness:
Here he is when he was an even smaller baby! And me, when I was a strapping young woman (aka 7 years 11 months 2 weeks):
Happy birthday, baby bro, and to all a good Broday. And remember, it’s not his fault we aren’t cool, and we should all feel very fortunate to be in his halo.
Ann-Margret, You Will Always Be Famous
I am SO MAD at EVERYBODY! Because. I have, for years, been familiar with the SNL video “Liza Minnelli tries to turn off a lamp,” which is…fine. It’s fine! It’s a funny ha-ha concept executed very well. But is it, in my mind, iconic? No.
But GUESS WHAT! Apparently, that Liza Minnelli sketch? It is a SEQUEL. To a sketch that I find MUCH FUNNIER. In March 2012, Liza tried to turn off a lamp.
But in May 2011, Ann-Margret tried to throw away a piece of paper.
I’m not exactly sure1 why this is SO MUCH FUNNIER to me than the Liza one, but it is. Both star Kristen Wiig, who dropped out of the University of Arizona because a psychic in a bookstore told her to move to LA (Respect!!!); Liza is paired with Jonah Hill while A-M gets Ed Helms. Even though the Liza impression is very FUN, the Ann-Margret impression is what will forever live happily in my heart. The wild head-twitches and crazed arm movements are SO spot-on, in a way that communicates how many times Wiig/the SNL writers watched and re-watched Bye Bye Birdie and/or Viva Las Vegas.
Wiig’s only lines in the Ann-Margret sketch are "Let's make this happen" and "Did I do it?" She does not have time to talk. She ONLY has time to DANCE! Wiig is frenetic and infuriating, at one point straddling the trash can, at another point disappearing completely, only to dance past the doorway, wad of paper in hand. That is also me, when I try to do any small, singular task. I am simply too moved by the music to continue down the path Ed Helms wants for me.
Warning: Gross TikTok That I Love
Guess today is going to be a “Hattie describes videos she likes” episode. Listen, I gotta issue a trigger warning for this TikTok. Do you want to hear a very nice young woman talk about poop for three minutes? Okay. Well. Great. That’s what this is.
I don’t remember how I first encountered this video, but it is an integral component of my inner monologue. There was a TikTok trend a couple years ago, of the narrative/“storytime” stripe, that you may recognize from its introductory phrase, “One thing about me.” In THIS video, Shalome, the TikToker in question, has a compelling opener. “One thing about me is that when I was 10, I went to India to visit my family,” she says, singing and dancing in time to the music. She’s pretty! She seems nice! This will probably be a cute family vacation story!
The dramatic twist is IMMEDIATE. Oh…oh no. This is going to be one of those stories. I won’t, uh, spoil it for you, but suffice it to say, 10-year-old Shalome…struggles…with constipation. Somehow, though, she faces2 the challenge in a way that becomes aspirational.3 You would never, ever know this was a traumatic experience from the cheery, on-beat way she lilts, “Pull the shit! Out of! My ass!” A warning that, if you watch this video, you may find yourself quoting it anytime you are faced with a laborious chore. My laundry basket got stuck under the bed last week, for example, and I simply chanted “PULL the SHIT out OF my ASS” and tugged until it was free.
ALSO, for a three-minute TikTok that centers around a body-horror medical scenario, I am shocked by how many times we hear the phrases “Okay! Sure!” and “Okay! Fine!” This video re-surfaced in my psyche this week, in part, because I had two cross-country flights within 48 hours, and I am not a GREAT flier, but I kept repeating “Okay! Sure!!!!” to calm myself. And then, of course, I HAD to watch the video again.
If you have seen this before, and you want to watch it again…watch it on 2x speed. Song of the summer.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Fishnet Dresses Are Very Practical, Actually
Earlier today I received an email from KRATER about a NYFW event. Ah, fashion week comes earlier every year! Funnily enough, I was JUST talking about a KRATER event I attended back in February. I went with my friends Cole and Claire to House of Yes for a runway show and, despite the winter temperatures, I wore a sparkly fishnet dress over pantyhose and a nude bodysuit, with all-white accessories. The end result made me look a bit like bizarro softcore Jackie Kennedy:
The reason I was talking about KRATER is I just re-wore that dress to a wedding! Note: I DID NOT WEAR IT NAKEDLY TO THE WEDDING. Myles & I went to Oregon for a wedding with a “beach formal” dress code, so I did what any woman in possession of a sparkly floor-length fishnet would do. I got out my shells, and I got out my tweezers, and I got out my translucent nylon string, and I beaded the hell out of that thing.
To make things easier on myself, I used mixed metals for the shiny accents on the shells, pearls and beads, which included faux starfish and shiny chunks of beach glass. I kept the heavier shells to the bottom of the dress, and I left the chest almost completely empty; as I beaded I learned to confine the shells to areas of, um, one-dimensional topography or they would poke straight out and become Threatening. Using clear string, a la fishing line, allowed me to control how much the individual shells dangled, and during the reception it was lots of fun to spin around so they shook and sparkled under the disco lights! The dress, which I got on clearance at Urban Outfitters (brand is Silence + Noise), was also already bedazzled with shimmery gems, which are pretty in the sun but really shine (hehe hehehe) in low light.
Also, if you want some weekend reading, here is a story I wrote during my first year in New York, when I temped at Marc Jacobs during NYFW and met a bunch of models.
WIDNBTW
Okay! Shoppers! Start youre engines! I hope you have your coupons, your credit cards, your cashback apps out and ready! Because there is some GOOD STUFF on tonight’s What I Did Not Buy This Week list, and just because I didn’t buy it doesn’t mean YOU cannot!
Hippie Lemonade or Mint Rose Dream teas, from Tweefontein Herb Farm in New Paltz – I tried samples of these two blends at the Union Square greenmarket, but I STUPIDLY did not buy any to take home with me. Which was, again, STUPID, because they were absolutely dreamy delicious, maybe because someone else made them and sweetened them with maple syrup. I did buy their Mojito Tea leaves, which are not quite as tart as I’d hoped. But no bother; the tea is delicious, minty and will pair nicely with a strong dose of lime-cucumber “spa water” for a non-alcoholic all-day sippin’ mojito.
This FALL CRITTER CARDIGAN! from Donna’s Dress Shop!!! Help HELP it is SO CUTE it’s hurting me and it’s GREEN and it’s PRETTY and I’m crying and crying and I’m zooming in on the squirrels and the hedgehogs!!!!!!!!
Muzzle for Witches – A critical conversation about the culture of gender, the "melancholoy of vanishing," the crooked pathways of the literary world, and the violent past/present/future of thought, globally and in the author's native Yugoslavia...written by Dubravka Ugresic, cast out from Croatia for being a "witch" and anti-nationalist...layers and layers of narrative...wait why DIDN'T I buy this?
The Stone Witch of Florence – Magic! Plague! Fighting the plague with magic! Okay!!! I’m in! After I read the other magic-plague novels in my pile!
I thought this cute birdy vase was a nightlight. It is not. Sad.
I got an ad for this baby-wearer with swans on it, and I clicked on the ad, because I thought it was a cat carrier. Then I saw the carrier is called...the "zeitgeist monogamy maiden"? Excuse me??? That is not a name for a BABY PRODUCT. "Zeitgeist monogamy maiden" sounds like a name I would have used in a game of Quiplash in 2015, or a character in a self-insert Thomas Pynchon fanfiction.
This Voicer talking calendar, which is only $16, and which I should just buy. Is my PHONE technically a talking calendar? Yeah! But…also……look. It’s so futuristic.
This $325 weekender bag, which I only wanted because I saw an ad for it with Annie Hamilton, and I thought at first it was a ballerina-inspired bag, like this LoveShackFancy dress.
A print of this hot dog artwork, because for some reason, they aren’t for sale?!
This “cider and sweaters” candle, which DOES sound like EXACTLY how fall should smell.
Acts of Creation: On Art and Motherhood, by Hettie Judah, a book I saw at the Portland airport
This NUUNA Candy S Neon Yellow notebook, which I also saw at the Portland airport. This is my favorite color (neon yellow, laser-lemon yellow for you Crayolanators). I said to myself, Hattie, I said, “No, you don’t need to spend $30 on a notebook, that’s stupid, you have three in your purse RIGHT NOW.” But guess what! I was actually stupid to NOT buy it!!!!!!!!! Because now I must LUST instead. Ugh! I bet I can find it for under $15, and then…I will buy it.
Clocky, from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. I’m actually gonna check and make sure my mom didn’t already order this for me. And if she didn’t, I’m gonna buy it. Also he’s a plush? He’s cuddly? So I can love on him????? God is good!
An “audio adventures” video game, which is currently on Kickstarter. It’s audio dramas meets choose-your-own adventures, optimized for people with visual impairments. This is very cool!
Revlon Muse, which I keep almost-buying and then not-buying because it looks close to Revlon Insane, which I own already.
This FUN funfetti nail topper from KB Shimmer, my favorite polish brand
A custom tote bag from Analog Company, because, let’s be serious, I had a purse-shaped-like-a-horse4 BEFORE it was cool5 and that is the ONLY custom bag I need.
$725 shoes that aren’t even heels but are sooooo shinyyy
That’s all! Thank you! As a reminder: I am going on a hiatus! Starting…now! Well. Starting…SOON! Free subscribers, next time we chat, it will be October!
Paid subscribers, I’ll be sending out my July/August Empties this weekend. Sorry for the delay! It’s on account of: everything. Which is exactly why I’m taking a hiatus! I’ll pause your paid subscriptions, so if you’re a monthly paid subscriber, you will not be charged for the down period. And then I’ll see YOU in October!
Ok, everyone. Thank you so much for reading! Have fun while I’m away! Do something cool! I can’t wait to come back and tell you all the stuff I didn’t buy!
I am also not sure why the SNL YouTube page spells Ann-Margret’s name wrong? Is this how SEO works?
FECES the challenge
ASSpirational ok i’ll stop sorry momma
porse
Hillary Taymour you WISH you were me!!!!!!!