Adventures in Beautyland: April Empties

I smell so good I smell SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

[Elaine Benes voice] Hellooooooooo! It is May. Happy May. That means April is over. And THAT means it is time for another installment of EMPTIES. What is Empties? Oh, haha, so glad you asked, reader, and by the way your outfit is extremely cool and stylish today. :)

Okay, so. Empties is a fairly new project for me! If you don’t know what it is, go back and read the March installment, and then you will be all caught up. Notably, I was sick for about half of freakin’ April, so I will not be including the non-fun un-sexy anti-glamorous entries in my Empties list.¹ Such as the rest of my DayQuil. And A WHOLE BOTTLE OF ADVIL DUAL ACTION. UGH! My sweet elixir!

As a result of my briefly diseased existence, this month’s Empties skew toward the skincare-and-hygiene sector, as opposed to makeup. I managed to use up a shampoo AND a conditioner–in THIS economy?!–and then another conditioner, because I contain multitudes.

One more note: The title of this column is stolen from a tribute to Marie-Helene Bertino’s excellent novel, Beautyland. Please read it at your convenience.

Without further ado…or perhaps…exclusively with ado…Here is a list of products I finished using in April, my brief reviews, and whether I would–will?!–buy them again.

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Maybelline The Falsies Volum' Express Mascara

How much does it cost? $11.49
How much did I pay for it? $0.00

This was a fun surprise in my Christmas stocking! I am typically a Great Lash girl. My only real deviation from that has been L’Oreal Lash Paradise, but it is increasingly difficult to find AND expensive. Plus, I don’t feel like it lasts as long! Look, I know, you’re supposed to trash your mascara (and technically any “wet” eye makeup) after three months. But, again, I ask you, in this economy?!

I made this mascara last until mid-April, after which I discontinued use so there would be zero chance of it acting as an incubator for my contaminated germ eyes. But I would’ve stretched it all the way til June, dammit, because this mascara ROCKS. Easy to do long, twiggy, feathery lashes! Easy to layer for caked-on volume! Stayed put, felt good, didn’t do weird things (tubing, running) and was still easy to remove. Wearing this, I felt like a popular high schooler for the first time ever.

Would I buy it again? Yes, on clearance! You’ll be hard-pressed to convince me I should part with $3.99 or more for mascara. That’s another reason I love Great Lash: it’s pretty much always four bucks or less at Burlington Coat Factory. However, I would be willing to spend as many as six dollars on another tube of The Falsies. That is as close as you’ll get to a rave review from me.

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MAC Superslick Liquid Eyeliner in On the Hunt

How much does it cost? $22-ish?
How much did I pay for it? $0.00

Okay…so…remember how I said “You’re supposed to throw out your eye stuff every three months blah blah blah” earlier? Well. Do as I say, not as I do.