Hello nerds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s me. A fellow nerd. Actually, last weekend I went to the park and played catch, so I may be a jock now. Or…a nice doggie? It’s finally decent1 weather, so I may go full Sports Girl Mode this weekend!
Hey, Speaking of Nerds
Hey? What are you doing tomorrow? Are you busy? In the afternoon? Do you wanna hang out??? Ok good! Because I have a fun plan for us!
I’ve mentioned my good friend
in this newsletter before. Tomorrow, they're recording their hour of comedy, the brilliantly titled MANIC IMPRESSIVE, at Caveat here in New York. I've seen this show grow from a nascent spark in Tristan's brain to a full-fledged production, and can attest that it's well worth the price of admission. Which, if you buy a ticket today, is less than it'll be at the door, tomorrow at 4pm! And if you're not a New Yorker, or you're predisposed in some way, you can livestream the show for $10, which is a steal. When I say “this show has everything,” I mean this show has everything. If you don’t trust me, consult the official content warning:Buy a ticket for in-person or remote viewing here.
Bait-a-Bear Workshop
Was anyone else besieged by an onslaught of “man VS bear” content this week? Okay, great, not just me. To make sure we’re all on the same page, here’s what happened: Following the trajectory of its predecessor, the Roman Empire, a memetic rhetorical question went viral on TikTok and also everywhere. Over the last several days, the query has spread across platforms and demographic groups, extending beyond the original confines of its usage. That question is: “If you were walking alone in the woods, would you rather run into a man, or a bear?”
Now, like most hypothetical questions on the internet, it was meant to demonstrate that Boys and Girls Are Different. Cis men were expected to say “a man,” and women or trans/nonbinary people were expected to say “a bear.” Common reasons for choosing the bear included “Bear behavior is predictable, human behavior is not,” and “A bear does not act differently when there are no witnesses around.” Then, people got mad! At the gendered ragebait! Go figure!!!
Stereotypical woman that I am, I consider myself firmly in the bear camp. Well, no, let me rephrase. I subscribe to the bear school of thought. Good. But! NOT for the reasons you think (unless you know me really well). Here are some dumb & goofy reasons I would way rather encounter a random bear than a random man in the woods:
I see men all the time but I almost NEVER get to see bears
What do bears smell like? Time for Hattie to find out
Good chance to test the bear-repelling skills I gleaned from the comments of this Ask a Manager post
If I am in the WOODS, and BY MYSELF, I have a death wish anyway
I think it would make me feel closer to Werner Herzog
I don’t really understand how big a bear is, in comparison to me, and I think it would help me visualize that
If I survived, I could tell people I successfully fought off a bear, even if it just ran away on its own. Oh, what? Like the BEAR’S gonna tell people the truth?
Next time people ask if I have seen The Bear, I can say yes, and then I never have to watch The Bear
Listen, ladies, I don’t want to run into a random woman in the woods, either. I have seen movies! She is a witch gonna cook me up!!!! No thanks!
Cute li’l ears :3
NoMoNaPoWriMo
Well, National Poetry Writing Month is over, and ALL I have to show for it is THIRTY WHOLE POEM! Wow! And a really gorgeous, crystalline, heartshattering poem ABOUT me from my beloved friend Molly Bilker, who I have been NaPoWriMoing with for nearly a decade now.
This year, I wrote a lot about writing! I think that’s a natural result of replicating this process over and over. Here’s a poem from last week about writing because I can do nothing else:
Also, this month I formally rescinded my longstanding negative attitude toward Walt Whitman. I have been his #1 hater for years, but I take it all back, because I got horny about a tree and wrote this thing:
And finally, I wrote a poem about my friend Michael. A major figure in the Phoenix arts scene, Michael 23 passed away suddenly last year, and in April, artists at the Miami Loco Art Festival, one of his many creative projects, paid tribute to him. While I couldn’t attend the slam, I did write a poem about living next door to The Firehouse, which was a gallery and a theater and a co-op and a hub for Phoenix creatives.
Hugely grateful to my friend Libby for reading this during the fest.
Let St. Vincent Do a James Bond Theme, You Cowards
In music news, I listened to the new St. Vincent album in full, and WOW. I cannot put it down. I became a St. Vincent fan in 2014, in the lead-up to her self-titled album. This new album, All Born Screaming, asks the question: “What if we let St. Vincent (the album) witness someone’s death?” This week, the album has been my writing music. It’s got…this sense of sticky-sweet decay. Every song’s architecture is in the shape of a cathedral. Maybe a bold claim, but I’ll say this is Annie Clark’s best work since her cover of Funkytown from the Minions soundtrack.
This is absolutely my top contender for Album of the Year so far. Sorry Tortured Poets Department! THIS is real torture! If I still used Twitter, I would say this:
By the end of your 30s, you should have had an iconic bleached-hair era, a co-writing credit on Cruel Summer, and a confusing situationship with Cara Delevigne.
Related: The only writing on Taylor Swift we will ever need.
Also, this album, Poet’s Tooth, came up on my Spotify this week. Another unadulterated banger. I suspect the band (Tele Novella) accidentally accessed a portal to my brain, and are using my thoughts and dreams to make their music??? Hmmmm????
Detritus
Weeks ago, I asked you, do you think Sheryl Crow’s “friend, the communist,” know “the doctor of philosophy” who the Indigo Girls consulted? You were shockingly divided on the answers!
I have an EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT coming next Friday. It is only exciting to those in the New York metro. But all of you will know!
Also, my latest list of Empties is up over in Beautyland. Guess how long I kept a particular Star Trek eyeliner, then click over there to see if you were right!
Facebook suggested I join a group called “In my Kindle Girl Era.” I have decided this is my spring personality. Please send links to any book-ish stickers you find.
If I go to this writing workshop Cheryl Strayed is teaching…do you think I will accidentally join a yoga cult? Does the “Omega Institute” sound evil, or did I take Season 2 of Yellowjackets much too seriously?
WIDNBTW
Closing out Friday with anti-influencer activities, here’s What I Did Not Buy This Week:
This Corning Ware t-shirt which I love so much it make my tummy hurt, and OF COURSE they called it “Corning Wear,” ahhhhhHHHHHh
Yet another pair of exciting pants from a StitchFix ad, which I tracked down (retail is $158? Are you JOKING?)
Swarovski glasses my favorite influencer posted a selfie in, which she did not tag, which I found by screenshotting her story, zooming in, mirroring the photo and then looking up different combinations of descriptors after determining she was in a LensCrafters when she took the photo (I’m normal)
This perfect plush inchworm who I love so dearly, with a joyous and open heart
A luxury Garfield purse
The Farm Rio frog blazer a woman next to me on the train was wearing (but shoutout to Maria for sending the link! Thanks for being my new Frog Friend!)
Bath and Body Works products in Tropidelic, which I REGRET ALREADY
These cat tote bags which were less expensive than the Garfield one, and very cute and maybe I should go back for
Finger Exercises for Poets, a new Dorianne Laux book I’m considering pre-ordering
And with that, I’m off to eat stew. Bye! I hope all your weekends are great and your weather is good and your stew is delicious/plentiful. Thank you for reading.
A personal meteorology:
"Good weather" = 72 degrees and above
"Decent weather" = 66–71 degrees
"Rotten weather" = 60–70 degrees
"Horrid weather" = 56–59 degrees
"The DEAD of winter, I am freezing and cannot feel my fingers " = 55 degrees and under